 |
| Salty boners all around! |
Babs hosts Jeff's family for dinner...
JEFF HOFFMAN - I'm so happy to be in this room with the woman I love, and both of our families.
BABS BERTONCINI - And you'll be in this room for many years to come, because Amanda is living with me until I hit menopause. Which is still veeeery far off. **winks at Jeff's dad**
AMANDA BERTONCINI - Ma, I'm thinking about getting a place with Jeff. Just he and I.
JEFF'S MOM - That would be great! As much as any parent would love for their 36-year-old son to live with them forever and eat all the lox in the fridge without ever replacing it, we support Jeff in whatever he wants.
JEFF HOFFMAN - That's great to hear. **starts making out with Amanda at the table**
TAYLOR BERTONCINI - Maaaaa.... My vocal fry is making it hard to swaaaalloooooooow...
BABS BERTONCINI - **ignoring Taylor** Yeah, no. Amanda's only 26. She stays with her MOTHER.
TAYLOR BERTONCINI - Maaaa... I'm chokiiiiiing... **grabs throat**
JEFF'S DAD - Babs, I think your daughter's in trouble.
BABS BERTONCINI - **looking at Amanda** You can say that again. **slaps Jeff's hand away from Amanda's boob** Stop groping at the table!!!
AMANDA BERTONCINI - You're just jealous.
**Taylor passes out**
JEFF'S DAD - I meant your other daughter.
BABS BERTONCINI - **glances at Taylor's corpse** Well, now we know SHE'S never going anywhere, at least.
Erica treats the girls to a day of wine-tasting and boat-riding...
ERICA GIMBEL - **after peeing in the grapes** Ladies, this is the dude who makes the wine and shit.
AMANDA BERTONCINI - Salty boner to you, sir.
WINE MAKER - Uh, to you, too.
ERICA GIMBEL - Now that my bladder's empty, let's PARTY! **slams a sparkling white** Oh, I almost forgot. There's an elephant in the room.
ASHLEE WHITE - C'mon, Erica, Joey isn't THAT fat.
JOEY LAUREN - Talk to the hand! Talk to the hand!
ASHLEE WHITE - I thought your comebacks were all straight from the 1940s, but it sounds like you've got the 90s covered, too.
ERICA GIMBEL - See, I told you she talks crap about you.
ASHLEE WHITE - HEY! At my house you told me you never told Joey I say mean yet unimaginative things about her. My dad cut up a YELLOW WATERMELON. For you!
ERICA GIMBEL - Yeah, I lied. **downs another glass of sparkling white**
ASHLEE WHITE - Well, at least I still have Chanel on my side. Right, Chanel?
CHANEL OMARI - Sure, I guess.
ASHLEE WHITE - **to Joey** Your mother was right about you.
CHANEL OMARI - Eeek, maybe not.
In the parking lot, Ashlee hysterically calls her parents....
ASHLEE WHITE - Mom? Can you charter a jet to take me back to Roslyn?
ILENE WHITE - Have you seen the decor of our house? We can barely afford to take the bus.
ASHLEE WHITE - Help... me...
HAL WHITE - **grabs phone** Whatever you need, darling. Maybe that nice Asian man from the nail salon can take you on his back.
ASHLEE WHITE - That would be perfect. **disappears into the vineyard**
CHANEL OMARI - Guys, Ashlee's MISSING.
ERICA GIMBEL - That sucks. Well, the yacht calls. **shuts van door in her face**
To be continued...
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