Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 12 - "Chicks and Salsa"

They call me John.

At Lydia's salsa party...

GRETCHEN ROSSI - **to Lydia** You're sooooo skinny.

SLADE SMILEY - Very Holocaust victim.  But in a hot way.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Like, sooooo skinny.

SLADE SMILEY - What, are you passing all your nutrients on to your toddler when you breast feed? But, like, sexy breast feeding.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Just soooooo. Skiiiiiiiiny.

SLADE SMILEY - You're the opposite of Miss Piggy. A really hot opposite Miss Piggy.

LYDIA MCLAUGHIN - Ok, you guys are starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

SLADE SMILEY - WHOA WHOA WHOA. Back up. I'm a professional comedian and radio show host. This is what I do.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Sorry, I just feel weird that you guys keep talking about my weight.

GRETHEN ROSSI - Yep, it's official. We'll never be friends. **Gretchen and Slade walk away**

DOUG MCLAUGHLIN - Baby, were those two weird greasers being mean to you?

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Yes.

DOUG MCLAUGHLIN - Ok. I'm just going to continue stand here and not do anything about it.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Sounds good.




Lauri and Tamra talk at the party...

TAMRA BARNEY - Damn, Gretchen's up my asshole farther than you were on your first date with George.

LAURI WARING PETERSON - Tamra, you know that my only purpose this season is to stir up Vicki shit. Stop distracting me or we'll be here all night.

TAMRA BARNEY - Sorry. Go on.

LAURI WARING PETERSON - Ok, we already covered Vicki's threesomes, frat boys, and trangendered Mexican  prostitutes.

TAMRA BARNEY - Right.

LAURI WARING PETERSON - But now, I find out that Brooks pays my daughter's friend for old-fashioneds on the ferris wheel at Irvine Spectrum.

TAMRA BARNEY - And now I've got to ask why your daughter is friends with this person.

LAURI WARING PETERSON - Damn it, Tamra, STAY ON TOPIC.

TAMRA BARNEY - Right. Old-fashioneds.

LAURI WARING PETERSON - Yeah. And new-fashioneds, if you catch my drift.

TAMRA BARNEY - **looks down** Do the cut outs in my dress make my hips look like Quinn Fry's?

LAURI WARING PETERSON - BITCH, FOCUS! IF I DON'T TALK ABOUT VICKI I DON'T GET PAID! IT'S IN MY CONTRACT!

TAMRA BARNEY - Damn. Slow year at Peterson Development, eh?

 LAURI WARING PETERSON - Slower than a heroin-addicted infant's brain function.



Brooks arrives at Terry Dubrow's request...

BROOKS - I'm here!

VICKI GUNVALSON - Omg, you brought me flowers?

BROOKS AYERS - You're half right. I did bring flowers.

LAURI'S DAUGTHERS FRIEND - **enters from behind Brooks, takes flowers** I want my fifty-two bucks up front for having to even walk into this lame ass party.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Who's she?

BROOKS AYERS - Isn't it obvious? Lauri's daughter's friend.

LAURI'S DAUGHTERS FRIEND - It'll be an extra twenty if you expect me to make small talk with lion-face lady.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Excuse me? This lion-face lady used to be the love of your date's life!

BROOKS AYERS - Key words: "used to be." **they salsa dance away**

VICKI GUNVALSON - Is there insurance for a broken heart?

THE END.