Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap, Episode 1 - "Garden State of Emergency"

Horsey Face and Chewbacca, reunited.

 At the Giudice Estate...

MILANIA GIUDICE - Mommy, I got a letter from Antonia!

JOE MILANIA - The spawn of Horsey Face? Burn it. **karate / tae kwon do chops bag**

TERESA GIUDICE - JOE! Fire is dangerous. Try ripping it up instead. 

MILANIA GIUDICE - K. **rips up letter**

JOE MILANIA - That stripper is four going on six.

TERESA GIUDICE - Who, Antonia?

JOE MILANIA - Sure, her too.

Rosie and Kathy gather at their mom's house... 

ROSIE PIERRI - I messaged this bitch on OKCupid, and she was all "I'm hot and blonde." When I meet her, she's 400 pounds with blonde hair from a box and rotten teeth!

KATHY WAKILE -  That's some nerve. Cannoli?

ROSIE PIERRI - Make it seven. I mean, it takes a lot of effort to look this much like Artie Lange, you know? I deserve somebody really special.

KATHY WAKILE - So, what'd you do? 

ROSIE PIERRI - What I always do. Threatened to kill her by yelling loudly from a nearby room.

Melissa and Teresa take their daughters to a bead store...

MELISSA GORGA - Sorry, Tre. I just didn't feel comfortable leaving my daughter at your house. I SAID SEVEN GREEN BEADS AND THEN A BLUE, BITCH!  **yanks necklace from Antonia's hands**

TERESA GIUDICE - What are you afraid of? Joe's on house arrest so it's not like he can drunk drive the kids all over town.

MELISSA GORGA - Great, that makes me feel so much better. MILANIA, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT A RED BEAD NEXT TO A PINK BEAD?!? RETARD!!!

TERESA GIUDICE  - Hey, I'm no Mr. Spock, but should we be putting so much pressure on the girls? Today is supposed to be fun.

MELISSA GORGA - Fun? Dancing on dollar bills in stilettos when my husband's in Florida, now that's fun. This? This is a chore. ANTONIA, THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS UGLIER THAN AUDRIANA. **throws necklace on the ground, leaves**

TERESA GIUDICE  - Well, that was productionive. Or whatever.

Caroline and Joe Gorga meet for dinner...

CAROLINE MANZO -  I wanted to meet you here because you remind me of my son Christopher, whom I haven't realized I want to have sex with until this very moment.

JOE GORGA - And you remind me of my great great grandma, who's dead.

CAROLINE MANZO - Aw. **snakes her hand up his thigh**

JOE GORGA - Stop that.