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| That goes WHERE?!? |
At Laguna Niguel Medical Plaza...
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Are you going to stick that thing up me?
DR. ACACIO - No, we're just going to close our eyes and hope we'll feel the presence of your eggs in the room.
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Ok, phew.
DR. ACACIO - I'm kidding, idiot. Of course we're going to stick this thing up you. Now hold on tight. **shoves thing up Gretchen's hoo-haa**
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Well, what do you see?
DR. ACACIO - Remnants of Jo De La Rosa's Mirena.
SLADE SMILEY - I must have pushed that up there. Sorry.
DR. ACACIO - And a starfish from a TJ Maxx turquoise necklace.
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Shit, I've been looking all over for that!
DR. ACACIO - **takes wand out, writes on a pad of paper** Well, if you want my professional opinion, I recommend using IVF to get pregnant.
GRETCHEN ROSSI - But that's not how I pictured things would go when I was a little girl...
SLADE SMILEY - Did you picture shacking up with an unemployed fat-ass father of three children by three different woman with a 10-year-old vasectomy?
GRETCHEN ROSSI - All good points.
Tamra prepares to speak at LA Women's Expo...
CHRISTOPHER GRAVAGNA, TAMRA'S WINES BY WIVES PARTNER - Just go up there, and represent the hell out of Wines by Wives.
TAMRA BARNEY - Ok, will do.
CHRISTOPHER GRAVAGNA - Don't be nervous. Talk about our amazing products, and the wines will sell themselves.
TAMRA BARNEY - Got it! **gets on stage** Hello, I'm Tamra Barney of Wines by Wives. I started having sex when I was 14. When I was 17, I got pregnant. When I was 21, I tried to kill myself. My mother has never told me she loves me. Please buy our Sauvignon Blanc, it's super tasty!
**tepid applause**
TAMRA BARNEY - So, how'd I do??!?
CHRISTOPHER GRAVAGNA - Maybe I should do the public speaking engagements from here on out.
Lydia talks to her mom about smoking pot...
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Mom, I talked to Doug about you.
JUDY STIRLING, LYDIA'S MOM - Oh yeah? What exactly did that smug yuppie asshole have to say about me, huh?
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - He said that people do what they want and you have to respect their choices.
JUDY STIRLING - Oh.
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Can you put that knife down now?
JUDY STIRLING - It's just for chopping onions. Something you should have learned to do a long time ago.
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - I would have learned, if my mother hadn't been so focused on "quality time" and "fun".
MAVERICK MCLAUGHLIN - **creeps down the stairs** Mommy? I'm up from my nap!
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - FUCK OFF YOU LITTLE DICK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP FOR ANOTHER HOUR SO MOMMY CAN MAKE LASAGNA TO SHOVE DOWN YOUR ASSHOLE THROAT!!!!!!
**silence**
JUDY STIRLING - Uh, honey, why don't you just let me make the lasagna? Go rest upstairs, I'll call you when it's ready.
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - **breathing heavily** Ok. **goes upstairs**
JUDY STIRLING - **dumps weed into lasagna** Aw fuck yeah.
Brooks and Vicki meet for lunch at his sad apartment...
VICKI GUNVALSON - I like your new red hair.
BROOKS AYERS - Thanks. It's Garnier Nutrisse. I reached for the Just for Men, but then realized I don't really apply.
VICKI GUNVALSON - Oh, Brooks. You're all the man I'll ever need. A full, red-blooded, child-support-evading, prostitute-purchasing American man.
BROOKS AYERS - Aw. You're sweet. Say, how about I take you to a hotel this weekend and we can get freaky?
VICKI GUNVALSON - I can't. I promised Brianna I'd watch Troy while she and Ryan go to the Marine Ball.
BROOKS AYERS - **starts to flip through his rolodex** Well, I'm sure there are plenty of other ladies who are free this weekend...
VICKI GUNVALSON - FUCK TROY, I'LL GO!
BROOKS AYERS - That's what I like to hear.
VICKI GUNVALSON - **grabs rolodex** Hey! These pages are empty!
BROOKS AYERS - Whoops.
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