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| I'm 48 and I must be lone-layay. |
Patti meets Adam Gaynor...
PATTI STANGER - So I hear you used to be a member of Matchbox 20.
ADAM GAYNOR - Yep. I want to push you around.
PATTI STANGER - I DON'T THINK SO, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!
ADAM GAYNOR - I was just kidding. That was a line in one of our songs.
PATTI STANGER - Oh. Well, it wasn't funny. If you try to be Jerry Seinfeld, you end up with the same women Jerry Seinfeld gets.
ADAM GAYNOR - Shoshanna Lonstein? Sounds good to me. **mimes juggling giant breasts**
PATTI STANGER - Stop that.
Patti meets Allison for smoothies...
PATTI STANGER - Tell me a little about yourself.
ALLISON BAVER - I dated Apolo Ohno.
PATTI STANGER - Ok, what else?
ALLISON BAVER - It was for six years. That's how long I dated Apolo Ohno.
PATTI STANGER - Got it. But what about you? Your likes, dislikes?
ALLISON BAVER - I liked the way Apolo Ohno looked. I disliked the way Apolo Ohno ignored me most of the time.
PATTI STANGER - Is there anything about you that's not related to Apolo Ohno?
ALLISON BAVER - Um... no.
PATTI STANGER - Not your bronze metal in speed skating in the Olympics?
ALLISON BAVER - I only did that so I could meet Apolo Ohno.
PATTI STANGER - Great. You're really giving me a lot to work with here.
At the mixer...
MARIO - Hi, I'm Mario. I'm Dominican, athletic, and pec-tactular.
ALLISON BAVER - Sounds pretty much perfect. But I think I'm going to go with this pasty dork over here.
MILES - **pops out from behind the bar** Did somebody say pasty dork?
ALLISON BAVER - Oh, you.
Adams meets Shekinah...
SHEKINAH - Hi, I'm Shekinah.
ADAM GAYNOR - Nice. Your name rhymes with something I'm hoping to become acquainted with later.
SHEKINAH - You're going to China?!?!
ADAM GAYNOR - Um, no. But that's sweet.
SHEKINAH - Sorry. I'm Amish.
ADAM GAYNOR - We're both from cultures that end in "ish", so I think we'll be very happy together.
PATTI STANGER - **whispers in his ear** Shut the fuck up you're not funny nobody likes you.
ADAM GAYNOR - Thanks for the vote of confidence. How exactly did you land this dating coach gig, anyway?
PATTI STANGER - Craigslist.
Allison and Miles fly kites...
MILES - So, what do you like in a man?
ALLISON BAVER - Half-Japanese. From the Pacific Northwest. Was on "Dancing with the Stars."
MILES - Are you aware that I don't meet any of those requirements?
ALLISON BAVER - I JUST WANT APOLOOOOOOOOO! **breaks down in tears**
MILES - Ok. I'm gonna go now....
ALLISON BAVER - Will you just put on this doo rag and glide around in a circle for me? Just for a minute?
MILES - I guess I could do that. **puts on doo rag and glides around in a circle**
ALLISON BAVER - Oh, yeah, baby. Now grow a meager goatee and make your voice higher. Juuuust like that. **closes her eyes, feels herself** Uh huh. Oh yeah. **opens eyes to see that Miles has left** NOT AGAIN, APOLO! NOOOOOOOOO!
Adams takes Shekinah to make art...
ADAM GAYNOR - I know you're probably more into making wood furniture, but I thought we'd try a sculpture of a fish instead. **string quartet comes out** They're here to put us in the mood.
SHEKINAH - Wow. I've never been treated like this before. On past dates the guys would just take me out behind the barn.
ADAM GAYNOR - What can I say? The only men I look good next to are the Amish and the incarcerated.
SHEKINAH - But how do you stand next to them if you're incarcerated?
PATTI STANGER - **appears only to Adam ghost-form, whispers in Adam's ear** Shut the fuck up nobody cares about your stupid sense of humor you're going to be alone forever.
ADAM GAYNOR - So, um, tell me about your daughter!
SHEKINAH - Well, her name is Sophia, she's five, and she's - hey, are you... crying?
ADAM GAYNOR - Nope! I'm fine. Please continue.
SHEKINAH - She loves yogurt and spear fishing, and -
ADAM GAYNOR - **breaks into heaving sobs** I'm sorry. It's not you. It's - there's this, um, ghost? Who looks like Patti Stanger and abuses me in my ear?
SHEKINAH - I may be Amish, but I'm not stupid! **leaves**
**Ghost Patti sabotages Adam's chances with Shekinah, helping to lower her matchmaking success rate to .01%**
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