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| Arkan-see your junk. |
Patti meets real estate and dance enthusiast Aimee...
AIMEE ELIZABETH - I'm the opposite of a Nivea slogan. Don't touch or be touched.
PATTI STANGER - Boy, I'm sure you're a party in the sack.
AIMEE ELIZABETH - I'm serious. Don't fucking touch me.
PATTI STANGER - Well, what if I just do... **place finger near Aimee's shoulder** this?
AIMEE ELIZABETH - NOOOOOO! **hurls Patti across the room, Destin's tummy breaks her fall**
PATTI STANGER - **brushes herself off** Damn. Those 'roids are powerful. Ow.
AIMEE ELIZABETH - You gotta juice if you're going to recreate the Patrick Swayze role in the Dirty Dancing finale.
PATTI STANGER - I guess that makes sense.
Patti meets professional wrestler and sand and gravel peddler Matt Riviera...
MATT RIVIERA - Patti, I'm over the Arkansas dating scene.
PATTI STANGER - Dating scene? Telling someone to "squeal like a pig" isn't exactly dating.
MATT RIVIERA - But sometimes we reward brutal sodomy with a cookie from Subway. So there's that.
PATTI STANGER - Who's your celebrity crush?
MATT RIVIERA - Anna Kendrick.
PATTI STANGER - Ah, a fan of the Oscar winner Up In The Air, I see.
MATT RIVIERA - Huh? I've only seen Pitch Perfect.
PATTI STANGER - Naturally.
At the mixer...
MATT RIVIERA - Ladies, I'll make this easy. If you have a professional degree, get paid to make people laugh, are not white, don't want to rub my belly after each wrestling match, or hate the idea of moving to a town without a Hardees, please leave now.
**everybody leaves but Shelise**
SHELISE - I mean, you have enough influence in town to make the Hardees thing happen, right?
MATT RIVIERA - I'll certainly try.
Paolo takes Aimee to a dance studio...
PAOLO - Hey, who set me up with a man in a wig? HAHAHAHA!
AIMEE ELIZABETH - Oh, you. Such a cut up.
PAOLO - Hmm, maybe you could take a hike so me and the dance instructor here can do a little horizontal mambo!
AIMEE ELIZABETH - Lol. Your sense of humor is why I picked you.
PAOLO - I'd dance with you, but I can't find you when you blend in with the wall so easily. Get it? CUZ YOU'RE PALE!
AIMEE ELIZABETH - A+ material, Paolo!
DANCE INSTRUCTOR - **whispers to Aimee** Hey, um... this might not be my place, but I don't think this douchebag is joking.
AIMEE ELIZABETH - Of course he is. He's just a funny guy.
PAOLO - Two things Colombians do well - snort cocaine and hit the road when their date is looking the other way. **leaves**
AIMEE ELIZABETH - HA! **waits for him to come back, he doesn't** Ok, maybe you were right.
Shelise and Matt take a yoga class...
YOGA INSTRUCTOR - Now take it to downward dog.
MATT RIVIERA - **Farts loudly** Whoops. I'd blame it on the dog, but I guess in this position, I'm the dog. Sorry.
SHELISE - It's ok. It doesn't smell too bad. And at least you apologized.
MATT RIVIERA - Low standards. That's very promising for our future. **farts again** This time, I'm not sorry.
Matt and Shelise go out to dinner...
MATT RIVIERA - You know what I like about you? You have no aspirations. That's sexy to a mediocre pro wrestler from a state with a 50 percent literacy rate.
SHELISE - Thank you.
MATT RIVIERA - Let's call your dad.
SHELISE - Ok. **they marry**
THE END.
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