| Last time I had a sparkle, it took antibiotics to get rid of it. |
Sean is reunited with his sister in Saint Crotch...
SEAN LOWE - Sister! You made it!
SISTER SHAY - Yep! Even managed to pull out the ol' neon tank n' shorts combo. Only for you, Brother.
SEAN LOWE - Well, I wanted to tell you a bit about Tierra. She has a dented forehead, cries most of the time, and will dance with lowly island people when prodded.
SISTER SHAY - Sounds like a winner to me! So what's the problem?
SEAN LOWE - Persistent yeast infections. Aaaaand all the other women hate her.
SISTER SHAY - Sean, what have I always told you to be wary of?
SEAN LOWE - Homosexuals. Feminists. Skinny Jeans.
SISTER SHAY - Yes, but you must always be wary of the girl the other women hate.
SEAN LOWE - **whines** But Siiiiiis... She looks like Britney Speeeeaaaarssss...
SISTER SHAY - I don't care if she's the spitting image of Victoria Principal herself, DON'T DO IT.
Sean gives Tierra the heave ho...
SEAN LOWE - Goodbye. Sissy said so.
TIERRA - I just don't get it! I look so much like Britney Spears!
SEAN LOWE - Enjoy it while you can. The next generation of men will only know her as an umbrella-wielding chunky pants.
TIERRA - Sean, you can take away my rose, but you will never take away my sparkle.
SEAN LOWE - Is that what you call your forehead dent? I do like that you took a big negative and spun it into a positive. You'll be just fine. **pats her on her ass, sends her on her way**
Ashlee and Sean have a one-on-one near some water...
ASHLEE - I have something to tell you.
SEAN LOWE - You're HIV positive.
ASHLEE - Close.
SEAN LOWE - You were a Hitler youth.
ASHLEE - Woulda been, if I'd been alive.
SEAN LOWE - You were married as a high school junior.
ASHLEE - Bingo.
SEAN LOWE - Phew. That's not so bad. Totally trashy, but I've heard worse.
ASHLEE - **shouts to the heavens** I LOVE SEAN!
SEAN LOWE - I LOVE RICE!
ASHLEE - Not the response I was hoping for, but it'll do.
On the group date...
SEAN LOWE - Today, we are going to be the first people on earth to see the sun rise.
CATHERINE - On earth? That's on an island off of New Zealand. I think you mean America.
SEAN LOWE - Do you people have to beat us in everything? God damn it.
LINDSAY - Sean, I would never try to outsmart you. Mostly because I couldn't even outsmart a flake of dry skin.
SEAN LOWE - I find your stupidity very sexy. **gives her a rose**
DESIREE - B-b-but I cried while discussing my family!
CATHERINE - And I told you my dad is cray!
SEAN LOWE - Sorry, ladies. My boner only springs for dum dums.
At the rose ceremony...
SEAN LOWE - I figured we'd skip the cocktail reception, because there's no doubt in my mind that I never want to see Lesley's eye contact-evading face ever again.
LESLEY - I have social anxiety, you cunt. **leaves**
CATHERINE - **in tears** Lesley and Sean had so much in common! Blond hair with red skin undertones! WHY GOD, WHY?!?! **hurls herself to the ground**
THE END.
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