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| Who let the weird smelly hippie in here? |
At Portia Umansky's birthday party...
BRANDI GLANVILLE - **enters in heart sunglasses from Rite Aid** I come bearing gifts of kiddie sex toys - the label says ages 4 and up.
KYLE RICHARDS - Thank you - if she's anything like her mother, Portia will love this.
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Where's Lisa?
KYLE RICHARDS - She left early because she "had a wine tasting." I guess that's the billionaire lame excuse version of "explosive diarrhea."
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Truthfully, I'm feeling anxious because I'm worried nobody here likes me.
KYLE RICHARDS - Nonsense! I mean, not nonsense that nobody likes you, cuz they don't, but it's nonsense that you're anxious.
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Why's that?
KYLE RICHARDS - Well, for starters, we have a snow cone machine that also doubles as a microdermabrasion chamber!
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Wow.
KYLE RICHARDS - And ponies that poop out topical antioxidant serums!
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Damn.
KYLE RICHARDS - I almost forgot the virgin llama we plan to ceremoniously gut to access his youth-sustaining blood!
BRANDI GLANVILLE - I'm gonna head out now... Got, um, "stuff" to do.
KYLE RICHARDS - But we haven't even brought out the inflatable castle coated with prescription-strength retinoids!
BRANDI GLANVILLE - **runs away**
KYLE RICHARDS - Some people don't know how to party.
Yolanda arrives at her daughter Gigi's photo shoot...
YOLANDA FOSTER - **to photographer** My name is Yolanda. You might know me from such trashy bathing suit photographs as the one where an extreme wedgie left both butt cheeks exposed.
PHOTOGRAPHER - Yolanda? **sings** You look sooo fiiine.
YOLANDA FOSTER - I know.
PHOTOGRAPHER - No, it's a song... forget it.
YOLANDA FOSTER - I am from Europe. We have little tolerance for crappy music and moderate alcohol consumption.
PHOTOGRAPHER - Sorry, I suppose you're more cultured than us by default.
YOLANDA FOSTER - That is correct. **turns to her daughter** Gigi, darling, make sure your eye make-up is rounded so you don't look Chinese!
GIGI HADID - You got it, Ma.
YOLANDA FOSTER - Thank you. Looking Chinese is VERY BAD. **to photographer** So I believe you were in the middle of singing the praises of my superior Aryan race?
PHOTOGRAPHER - CUT!
Taylor welcomes the Umanskys to her home...
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Just in time! I cooked Mexican and Spanish food specifically for you guys!
MAURICIO UMANSKY - Why specifically for us?
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Cuz Mauricio's from Mexico, duh.
KYLE RICHARDS - But he's not Spanish.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Same dif. We're all a little bit brown on the inside, am I right?
MAURICIO UMANSKY - What the fuck are you even talking about?
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Don't question me! I'm a victim of domestic abuse! Machengo?
Camille Grammar, Dana "Pam" Wilkey, and Taylor Armstrong arrive at Portia's party...
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Ugh, I'm soooo sweaty from riding in a private jet all day!
CAMILLE GRAMMAR - How exactly do private jets make you sweaty?
DANA WILKEY - Hel-LO, she clearly just wanted to mention that she rode in one. Are you new here?
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Listen, I've got some gossip for you guys... Brandi told Yolanda that she's slept with everyone in Beverly Hills!
CAMILLE GRAMMAR - She was probably joking.
DANA WILKEY - Um, HI, here in the BH, we don't give women hotter than us the benefit of the doubt.
CAMILLE GRAMMAR - I think I'm going to go talk to the Maloofs... Hearing them bitch about the Vanderpumps is frankly preferable to this conversation.
DANA WILKEY - Earth to Camille, when people in Beverly Hills want to get away from someone, they just say they're going to "do a bump in the bathroom."
CAMILLE GRAMMAR - Got it. Bye. **leaves**
DANA WILKEY - What a Debbie Downer. Hey, did you hear about my sunglasses? Fifty-thousand.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - **laughs maniacally** HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
DANA WILKEY - What's so funny?
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Pam, I am not well.
DANA WILKEY - Who cares? You're skinny.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - That's true.
DANA WILKEY - Stick with me, kid, and I'll always validate your bad choices and eagerly listen to your unsubstantiated gossip. We ARE Beverly Hills.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Forever.
THE END.
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