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| Jef will finally earn that second F with Emily. |
On an ABC sound stage...
CHRIS HARRISON - Welcome, live audience of lonely white ladies.
LONELY WHITE LADIES - Thank you.
CHRIS HARRISON - Tonight, we have a special treat. Several past contestants on the show have agreed to come here and speak... for free!
ASHLEY SPIVEY - You promised to name-drop my blog.
JP ROSENBAUM - And pick up the liquor tab at our wedding.
DEANNA PAPPAS - And feed me moussaka in the green room.
CHRIS HARRISON - Shhh. Would Katherine Hepburn disclose the terms of her appearance agreements? What has Hollywood come to?
ASHLEY HEBERT - We, sir, are no Katherine Hepburns.
CHRIS HARRISON - You can say that again.
ASHLEY HEBERT - We, sir, are no -
CHRIS HARRISON - Stop. Roll that beautiful bean footage.
Live audience watches and giggles as Jef meets Emily's fam...
ERNIE, EMILY'S BROTHER - Nice skinny tie, douchebag.
JEF HOLM - **throws skateboard in the bushes** I'm not a douchebag - I'm just Mormon. Also, please don't kill me. You are terrifying.
ERNIE, EMILY'S BROTHER - It's the permanently furrowed brow, isn't it?
JEF HOLM - Yes.
EMILY MAYNARD - Well, this is going well.
SUZY, EMILY'S MOM - I, for one, would welcome Jef into my family and into my vagina with open arms.
DAVE, EMILY'S DAD - Excuse me?
SUZY, EMILY'S MOM - What? I said I would welcome Jef into my family with open arms. **winks at Jef**
DAVE, EMILY'S DAD - Well, Suzy, I agree. Jef, in these three minutes we've spent together, I get the impression that you're the type of man who would try to fend off my wife if she tried to give you a BJ in the pool house after one too many mint juleps.
EMILY MAYNARD - And she will.
JEF HOLM - So is it creepy if I aggressively demand to meet your six-year-old daughter?
EMILY MAYNARD - Of course not. If it wasn't creepy when the football coach at the local university aggressively demanded to entertain her in his basement, it certainly isn't creepy for you.
JEF HOLM - That really happened?
EMILY MAYNARD - Sandusky joke. Too soon?
**Jef meets Little Ricki, and they frolic to and fro in the pool. They get along "swimmingly."**
Arie meets Emily's fam....
DAVE, EMILY'S DAD - You like to fish, son?
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - I like botan ebi sashimi, if that's comparable.
ERNIE, EMILY'S BROTHER - It's not. And PS - what the fuck is botan ebi sashimi?
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Am I bombing right now? I'm sorry... my parents are European.
SUZY, EMILY'S MOM - The only way you could save this date is by presenting us with a box of withered, dried-up roses.
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Well, we're all in luck! **presents them with a box of withered, dried-up roses.**
SUZY, EMILY'S MOM - Wow. I'm impressed that you've given up something so precious as the roses Emily gave to you.
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Oh... These are not the real roses she gave me. They're replicas. Actually, they're carnations.
EMILY MAYNARD - Um, Arie? Can I talk to you outside by the potion lady?
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Sure.
Outside, by the potion lady...
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - I really killed it in there, huh?
EMILY MAYNARD - You could say that. Listen, I've decided that I'm going to choose Jef.
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - B-b-but what about the carnation replicas? You think that's easy to find in Curacao?!?
EMILY MAYNARD - I'm sorry. But that, coupled with the fact that your parents are Dutch, has really soured me on the whole you-and-me-together thing.
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Is Cassie Lambert, Bachelorette producer, still available? She gave killer rim jobs.
EMILY MAYNARD - Ew.
Jef proposed to Emily, she says yes, lonely white ladies cry, blah blah blah...
CHRIS HARRISON - Thanks for joining us on this season of... The Bachelorette. Great news - I'm currently in discussions with ABC to appear as the next Bachelor, as I have recently divorced my wife!
ABC PRODUCER - That is not true. At all.
CHRIS HARRISON - But you said you'd think about it!
ABC PRODUCER - That's Hollywood speak for "We'd let Ryan Bowers come on the show before we'd ever throw you a bone, old man."
CHRIS HARRISON - Well, fuck you, then. Which is Hollywood speak for "fuck you, then."
Chris is fired, and replaces Perez Hilton as the host for The Bad Girls Club reunions. He is fired from that job, too, and takes up residence in a hidden corner of a CrossFit gym in downtown LA.
THE END.
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