Chris addresses the "scandal" from Los Angeles...
CHRIS HARRISON - Hello. I'm fresh divorcee Chris Harrison, coming to you from Los Angeles while the rest of the cast is in Prague, so you know shit's fucked up. We have a scandal on our hands, one that rivals the time I let Jake Pavelka blow me in an abandoned boat house in Golden Gate Park.
CAMERA MAN - Nobody knows about that, Chris.
CHRIS HARRISON - They don't? Shit.
In Prague, Emily confronts producer Cassie Lambert about the "scandal"...
EMILY MAYNARD - So you're telling me that you and Arie used to sleep together?
CASSIE LAMBERT - We just finger-banged. But, like, hardcore finger-banging.
EMILY MAYNARD - Wow. This is a bigger scandal than when Chris Harrison tickled Gia Allemand's nipples in her sleep and the night cameras caught it.
CASSIE LAMBERT - Uh... nobody knows about that.
EMILY MAYNARD - They don't? Whoops. Well, they do now.
In Prague, Emily confronts Arie about the "scandal" on a boat...
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Emily, I'm sorry I tater-effed Producer Cassie in 2003.
EMILY MAYNARD - You tater-effed? She said it was just intense finger banging!
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Uh... it was? Right. It was. Just finger-banging.
EMILY MAYNARD - Somebody here done stretched the truth farther than grandma's girdle on a post in the yard.
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Huh?
EMILY MAYNARD - West Virginia-ism.
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Oh. Well, I got something for you that will erase the memory of the scandal bigger than the time Chris Harrison photoshopped himself in a threeway with Justin "Rated R" Rego and Dave Good and then was found jerking off to it on Chat Roulette. **devours her face**
EMILY MAYNARD - **recovers from having her face devoured** Wait... he did that?
Wolf and Emily date in a dungeon...
JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - Wolf called girl. Girl no answer for seventy three hours. Girl making it with doctor dude.
EMILY MAYNARD - What a horrific tale.
JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - Wolf kiss you now. **chaste peck**
EMILY MAYNARD - You know what I think, Wolf? I think you're smarter than you seem.
JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - **Home Improvement groan** Whhaaaa?
EMILY MAYNARD - I think you talk about dead grandparents and cheating girlfriends to get me to feel bad for you.
JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - Wolf just have difficult white suburban upbringing. That's all.
EMILY MAYNARD - Well, now you'll have another sad sack tale to tell the next woman you date.
JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - About this stale quinoa?
EMILY MAYNARD - No. About how you got dumped on television. Uh-buh-bye.
Jef goes on a a date at a puppet shop in Prague...
JEF HOLM - **talking through Michael Jackson puppet** While everyone in the world thought I was engaged in impropriety with young boys, I was actually quietly masturbating in my room to photographs of Emily Maynard.
EMILY MAYNARD - It's Michael Jackson's third death birthday today. Too soon, bro.
JEF HOLM - **still through Michael Jackson puppet** Forget Debbie Rowe. I should have asked Emily Maynard to act as my surrogate. **makes puppet moon walk**
EMILY MAYNARD - I was eleven when his first child was born.
JEF HOLM - **still through Michael Jackson puppet** Every time I do this **grabs puppet crotch** I'm dedicating it to Emily Maynard in my head.
EMILY MAYNARD - This is started to make me uncomfortable.
JEF HOLM - Sorry. Want to go lay on the floor?
EMILY MAYNARD - Ok.
No comments:
Post a Comment