 |
| Cross-promotion makes me horny. |
Emily picks Ryan up at the mansion...
EMILY MAYNARD - I've got a great date planned for us today.
RYAN BOWERS - Alright! I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter over the San Fernando Valley.
EMILY MAYNARD - We're in North Carolina this season, remember?
RYAN BOWERS - I've tried to forget.
EMILY MAYNARD - Which means we're going to date Charlotte-style, with you sitting in the car while I run errands.
RYAN BOWERS - Do we at least get to have car sex between errands?
EMILY MAYNARD - No. Need me to crack a window?
RYAN BOWERS - It's 92 degrees outside. What do you think?
EMILY MAYNARD - Good point. You'll lose some water weight. **leaves him in hot car while she gives sugary snacks to soccer children**
Later on in the date, some shitty country band plays for Emily and Ryan while an audience full of Charlottians looks on...
AUDIENCE MEMBER I - Omg omg omg. ABC's The Bachelorette is filming HERE! In CHARLOTTE!
AUDIENCE MEMBER II - I can't breathe. This is better than the time K-Ci & JoJo came back for their reunion concert! **faints**
AUDIENCE MEMBER III - I am overwhelmed with the sheer star-studed-ness of this evening. **dies**
EMILY MAYNARD - **to Ryan** We're the most famous people in Charlotte. I heard somebody died in the audience from our sheer star-studed-ness.
RYAN BOWERS - Died? So this is what Michael Jackson felt like during his tour of Europe.
EMILY MAYNARD - Amazing, isn't it? These poor plebes would do anything for us.
AUDIENCE MEMBER IV - HOLY SHIT TWITTER IS SAYING THAT HOMETOWN HERO SKEET ULRICH IS EATING AT THE SUBWAY IN UNIVERSITY CITY!
**"Star"-hungry Audience tramples Emily and Ryan to catch a glimpse of Skeet Ulrich eating Subway**
At the Muppet Show at an auditorium full of small children in Charlotte...
KERMIT THE FROG - Hey, girl. How 'bout you and me and Miss Piggy have a threesome for this here audience of beautiful people?
EMILY MAYNARD - Um, my daughter is in the audience and can hear every word you're saying.
KERMIT THE FROG - Cool. Make it a foursome.
CHARLIE GROGAN - Emily, can I talk to you for a second?
EMILY MAYNARD - I'm kind of busy getting turned on talking to a puppet.
KERMIT THE FROG - I knew you were into the dirty stuff. I could just tell.
CHARLIE GROGAN - Well, um, I just wanted to let you know that I can't do stand-up comedy. It's difficult to talk because I'm actually still in a coma.
EMILY MAYNARD - Ok. How about instead of reciting prepared jokes from a piece of paper, we throw you to the wolves and have you improvise in a scene with Miss Piggy?
CHARLIE GROGAN - That would be wonderful. You are so kind and understanding.
EMILY MAYNARD - Thank you.
Emily sits down with Jef at the mansion...
EMILY MAYNARD - I feel like, whenever I look at you, you look away.
JEF HOLM - Whatever.
EMILY MAYNARD - I'm just such a doofus, next to your super neat skateboard and James Dean hair.
JEF HOLM - It's cool. Just do you.
EMILY MAYNARD - You make me so nervous!
JEF HOLM - Whatever.
EMILY MAYNARD - Hey - is that an earpiece?
JEF HOLM - Nah, stop playa-hatin'.
EMILY MAYNARD - **yanks out earpiece, listens to it**
MYSTERY, LEAD PICK-UP ARTIST IN THE SEDUCTION COMMUNITY - Good, Jef. Now give her another Neg.
EMILY MAYNARD - Who is this?
MYSTERY - Crap. Gotta go.
EMILY MAYNARD - Jef, was that Mystery?
JEF HOLM - Who?
EMILY MAYNARD - You know who.
JEF HOLM - Yes. I'm so so so so sorry.
EMILY MAYNARD - Don't be. That shit is working. **gives him a beej**
The dudes hang in the pool...
KALON MCMAHON - All I'm saying is, people with children should not be able to leave the house. That's all.
DOUG CLERGET - Say that to my face!
KALON MCMAHON - I... just did?
DOUG CLERGET - I'll have you know that my son WANTED me to come on this show! And whatever that three-year-old tells me to do, I do! Without question!
KALON MCMAHON - Don't get all aggro, man. I'm just sitting here with my concave chest, enjoying the sun.
DOUG CLERGET - Why don't you luxury consult THIS? **takes swing, misses, falls in pool**
KALON MCMAHON - Remember what I was saying about parents and leaving the house? Yeah.
Tony sees Ryan take Emily into a room...
TONY PIEPER - HEY! Why is Ryan talking to Emily when he already has a rose!
ALEJANDRO VELEZ - If this didn't happen every season, I'd tell you to go in there and break it up yourself, amigo.
TONY PIEPER - Great idea! **barges in to find Emily reading War & Peace aloud to Ryan**
**days pass, Tony dies of starvation while Emily and Ryan feast on lobster and chocolate**
EMILY MAYNARD - **reading** "And then, the sun went supernova". The end.
RYAN BOWERS - Thank you. That was lovely.
EMILY MAYNARD - What's that smell?
RYAN BOWERS - Tony's decomposing corpse. He was standing here waiting for you to finish, but I didn't want to interrupt your lovely reading.
EMILY MAYNARD - CHRIS!!!!
CHRIS HARRISON - Yes master?
EMILY MAYNARD - Get someone to dispose of Tony's corpse. Right away.
CHRIS HARRISON - Yes master.
At the Rose Ceremony...
EMILY MAYNARD - Last and sort of least... MC Stevie.
MC STEVIE - Holy crap. That brought back some serious memories of middle school gym class.
AARON MARTELL - **recently eliminated** What was it? The hipster glasses?
EMILY MAYNARD - Yes.
AARON MARTELL - **starts to hit himself in the head** STUPID STUPID STUPID!
EMILY MAYNARD - Hey, hey STOP! Listen to me! Even if you would have taken the glasses off, I still would have eliminated you for your hair.
AARON MARTELL - You mean that?
EMILY MAYNARD - I do.
AARON MARTELL - Then, fairwell, Fair Emily. **he floats into the night**
THE END.
No comments:
Post a Comment