In the hall of the Joffrey audition...
CANDY APPLES CATHY - **eating a slice of pizza** Youmph hada no clath.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Wha?
CANDY APPLES CATHY - Youmph hearf me.
KELLY, BROOKE & PAIGE'S MOM - We can't hear you with that slice of Ray's stuffed in your gullet.
CANDY APPLES CATHY - **swallows** I said, you all have no class! **grease drips down her chin, looks at Christi** I mean, bobby pins? Get real.
JOFFREY JUDGE - **pops his head into the hall after hearing commotion** Excuse me, sad Midwestern housewives?
DANCE MOMS - Yes?
JOFFREY JUDGE - We are holding a very serious audition in here, one that will be broadcast on Lifetime for the gaping masses, right after "Mother, May I Sleep with Danger", starring the incomparable Tori Spelling.
ABBY LEE MILLER - God damn, I love that movie.
JOFFREY JUDGE - Omg, me too. I didn't even care that you could drive a Yukon between her breasts.
OTHER JOFFREY JUDGE - Todd? Wanna wrap it up? We're on a tight schedule.
JOFFREY JUDGE - Oh, shit. Gotta go.
In the auditions...
24 YEAR OLD CANDY APPLES STUDENT - Well, here goes nothin'. **performs** Ta da!
TAMMY, A JUDGE - I have one question. What's with the whore makeup?
24 YEAR OLD CANDY APPLES STUDENT - Miss Cathy applied it.
TAMMY, JUDGE - Miss Cathy is from Ohio. And you're frankly too old to be calling someone Miss Cathy.
24 YEAR OLD CANDY APPLES STUDENT - Yeesh. Even Peter Gallagher was nicer in "Center Stage", for crissakes. **leaves**
KENDALL - **enters, leaps and twirls** Thank you for your consideration.
TAMMY, JUDGE - Your arms were beautiful. At the beginning of the routine.
KENDALL - Ouch. **leaves**
CHLOE - **performs angrily, as always**
ETHAN, A JUDGE - You dance like someone who's been second best her whole life. Heard of Rhoda?
CHLOE - No.
ETHAN, A JUDGE - IMDB. Nice work.
CHLOE - Thanks. I think. **leaves**
BROOKE - **enters** Today, I am going to spin on my neck for you. Quite a treat, right?
TAMMY, JUDGE - I do not like tricks.
BROOKE - How about The Sprinkler, then? **does The Sprinkler**
TAMMY, JUDGE - Uh buh bye.
BROOKE - Jesus. Tough crowd. **leaves**
MADDIE - **enters** Ballet is a departure from my usual jazzy sex-eye routines, but I'm going to give it my best shot! **performs**
ETHAN, A JUDGE - You know what? I bet you're the best dancer in Pittsburgh.
**silence**
ETHAN, A JUDGE - Which is like winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics.
MADDIE - **cries, leaves**
TAMMY, JUDGE - Well, gentlemen, our work of destroying young egos today is done.
At Paramus Catholic High School...
ABBY LEE MILLER - This is the big time, girls. We usually dance at public high schools.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - **her phone rings** Oh! A completely impromptu phone call. Whoever could it be? **answers**
TODD, A JUDGE - Hello, this is Todd, the Joffrey judge. Am I on speaker in a room full of the other girls who were not selected for a scholarship?
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - You bet.
TODD, A JUDGE - Good. Chloe has an air about her that suggests her self worth has been beaten to a bloody pulp. So we think she would be perfect for our program.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Wooot!
Over by the makeup drawers...
MADDIE - **to her mother** Move it, bitch. I need to organize my makeup drawer.
MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - You think you can talk to me like that? Meet me behind the very private black curtains, or you don't get to use your Blackberry for 15 days.
MADDIE - Who even fucking cares? They don't even make Blackberry's anymore.
MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - PRIVATE BLACK CURTAIN NOW!
**everyone including cameras can see and hear as they bicker about Maddie not being chosen for the Joffrey**
MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - **emerges with Maddie from curtain** So, as I was saying, your gran jetes have been exceptional.
HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - We all heard you fighting. Nice try.
MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Frick.
On stage...
ANNOUNCER - And next, we have a routine from Abby Lee Miller about jail. Which is where Stage Manager Pete is going to head if he keeps hugging dancers after they forget their moves.
STAGE MANAGER PETE - I'm a very empathetic person, OK?
ANNOUNCER - Sure. Take it away, young vixens!
**The girls perform with black rubber bands attached to poles**
ANNOUNCER - Very nice. Kind of like "Chicago" with C. Ze-Jo, but not as good. And, finally, Maddie, doing a dance exactly like the ones she does at every competition.
**Maddie performs, but forgets her move, and runs right into the arms of Stage Manager Pete for comfort**
STAGE MANAGER PETE - Maddie... I can't be doing this.
MADDIE - Just let it happen.
STAGE MANAGER PETE - Ugh. Fine.
THE END.
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