At rehearsal, after Nia forgot her routine at the last competition...
ABBY LEE MILLER - Nia fucked up real real bad last week.
HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - "Fucked up?" It wasn't that bad.
ABBY LEE MILLER - She pissed herself on the gym floor.
HOLLY - That was water.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Either way, it was a complete disgrace. Ever seen Michael Jackson forget his moves on stage?
HOLLY - I guess not...
ABBY LEE MILLER - Or Whitney Houston forget her lyrics?
HOLLY - No...
ABBY LEE MILLER - Or Rick James forget how to snort coke off of a pert breast?
HOLLY - Hey! I see what's going on here - you're just comparing Nia to black people!
ABBY LEE MILLER - No, I'm not. I'm comparing her to dead people. Which she is now in my eyes. Racist.
In Chicago...
KELLY, PAIGE AND BROOKE'S MOM - Melissa, want to join us for pizza at Lou Malnati's?
MELISSA'S ATTORNEY - All social inquiries will be directed through me.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Uh... Who are you?
MELISSA'S ATTORNEY - Danny. Third year law at Pitt.
MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - He's my cousin's step-son. This counts as his Pro Bono work.
KELLY - Well, um, Danny? Does Melissa want to come get pizza with us?
MELISSA'S ATTORNEY - Let me confer with my client. **they whisper.** My client is actually spending the afternoon looking at centerpieces for her upcoming nuptials.
MELISSA - FUCK! Danny, you weren't actually supposed to tell them that!
MELISSA'S ATTORNEY - But that's what you said.
MELISSA - Listen, Johnny Cochran, you're fired. I'll handle my own conversations from now on.
MELISSA'S ATTORNEY - Fine, but don't tell my mom, ok?
MELISSA - Fine.
At the competition...
ANNOUNCER - First up, some fire crotch with a stupid name.
JUSTICE - I'm named after fairness and reason.
ANNOUNCER - Which you're going to need society to have a lot of, going through life as a fire crotch named Justice.
**Justice performs**
ANNOUNCER - Thank you, fire crotch with a stupid name. And now, we have quite a treat! Some privileged white kids -
NIA - Hey!
ANNOUNCER - Sorry, forgot about you. Some privileged mostly-white kids and a privileged black kid who socializes mainly with white kids are going to attempt to teach us a lesson about homelessness... through dance.
**Maddie wears a tattered hat while the girls dance around her**
HOMELESS MAN WHO HAPPENED TO BE WALKING PAST - Excuse me? This is not a realistic portrayal of our experiences.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Who let the homeless guy in here? Kick him out to the street, where he belongs!
EVERYBODY - YEAAAAAH!
CANDY APPLES CATHY - Finally, something me and Abby Lee agree on.
ANNOUNCER - Please leave, Mr. Homeless Man.
ABBY LEE MILLER - You're not supposed to use honorifics with people who have no place to live.
ANNOUNCER - I can see you're quite passionate about the subject matter of that last performance.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Who said anything about passion? I'm just trying to milk these sappy judges for all they're worth.
ANNOUNCER - Well, I'm actually quite pleased to announce that you failed at that. Nobody from Pittsburgh OR Ohio placed today. This is Chicago, not Broken Arrow, Oklahoma.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Fine, but just so you know, at our next competition in Yakima, Washington, we're going to blow everybody out of the water.
ANNOUNCER - You do that.
THE END.
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