Jersey Shore, Episode 5 - "Nothing But Nice"

Deena dips her electronic hair products in a tub of water, and is not happy with the results.

 

 

 

 

Vinny is back, so the gang heads to Jenks to celebrate being whole again…

 

DEENA-  It's so great to have you back, Vinny! I electrocuted myself with a Conair Ceramic WetDry Straightener for the occasion.

 

VINNY - You should be careful.  You could end up with permanent brain damage.

 

DEENA - End up with? You are far too kind. I just hope this means I’ll still be able to do sex.

 

PAULY D - You’ll still be able to do sex.  Just never with me.

 

MIKE - I’m going to go hang out with this group of random, heavily-tattooed men, because you all hate me, and I desperately long for the affection of other dudes.  Errrr, I mean attention from fans. Yeah. That's it.

 

SNOOKI - Vinny, I’m so glad you’re back that I legit peed myself.  Look! It's running down my leg right now. **yellow pool collects on the floor**

 

J-WOWW- Aw, that makes me sad.  Roger used to give me golden showers, and now he won’t even return my calls.

 

RONNIE - I’ll give you a golden shower…in exchange for your urine.

 

J-WOWW- Wait, you want me to pee on you first?

 

RONNIE- No, I need clean urine to pass a drug test.  Being this huge doesn’t occur naturally.

 

VINNY - Oh, I’m so glad to be home.  Things haven’t changed a bit.

 

**giant bunny sneaks out of the shadows**

VINNY - Ok, maybe they've changed a little bit.

 

 

 

 

 

At home the next day, Mike attempts to confront the gang about their hatred toward him, while drunk…

 

MIKE- Why does everyone hate me?

 

J-WOWW- It could be that you’re drunk and your tiny dick is hanging out.

 

MIKE- Nah, that’s not it.  Its because I’m a Cancer, and we’re sensitive, and I’m just too caring of a person.

 

RONNIE - That was last week’s episode.  You have to find a new topic to fixate on for this week.

 

MIKE- You mean like that time Snooki blew me in LA?

 

PAULY D- Nah, bro, that was, like, 3 episodes ago.

 

SAMMI - I think the focus of this week should be that I’m good for two to three hair flips per episode, and that’s about it.

 

VINNY - Seems like we’re recycling plot lines. I should find a new mental illness to promote... Frotteurism, maybe? **starts rubbing against Sammi from behind**

 

DEENA - I got an illness.  It’s when chicks like to electrocute themselves and then pretend they’re brain damaged.  Next thing you know, you’re down on the Boardwalk trying to get other girls to do sex with you.

 

PAULY D - I think you might want to just admit that you’re attracted to girls. 

 

SNOOKI- I got an illness too!  Its called a UTI- which is Italian for ‘I’m a filthy whore that doesn’t wash her hands after using the restroom and bangs whichever disgusting 45 year old roommate shows interest Infection’

 

MIKE - That reminds me, I haven’t threatened to tell Jionni about the time Snooki blew me in LA during this episode.

 

VINNY - Does that man not own a television?  I mean, my family doesn't, but you already knew that since you saw the shitbox we lovingly refer to as home.

 

PAULY D - And now you're back, at the other shitbox you consider home.  **starts massaging Vinny's shoulder** So, so, so, happy.

VINNY - Ok. That's enough, now, Pauly.

 

THE END