 |
| Bitches be blindfoldin'. |
BRITTNEY - Ben, last season, you had a mom and a sister, which means you love family. So I brought my disabled grandma here, to show you I also love family. You two have fun now! Grandma, behave! **winks, leaves to get some champagne**
GRANDMA BRITTNEY - Sup, you muthafuckin' fine-ass piece of ass.
BEN FLAJNIK - Where'd you learn to talk like that?
GRANDMA BRITTNEY - 106 and Park. How'd you like to pound some Shiraz and then fuck in front of Chris Harrison?
BEN FLAJNIK - I... Wouldn't?
GRANDMA BRITTNEY - Haha, don't be playin', white boy.
BEN FLAJNIK - Uh... Everybody here is white.
GRANDMA BRITTNEY - I noticed, racist. But it's cool though. I'll even suck a racist's ween. **pops out dentures**
BEN FLAJNIK - **starts to panic** Chris! Help!
BRITTNEY - **runs over** What's wrong? Is my grandma ok?
BEN FLAJNIK - This bitch is crazy!
BRITTNEY - Excuse me?! She's a seventy-eight year-old woman who sprained her ankle at the senior center!
GRANDMA BRITTNEY - **whispers to Ben** Wrong. I broke it while fuckin' in the tub.
BEN FLAJNIK - Ahhhh! Make it stop!
BRITTNEY - What the hell is wrong with you?
BEN FLAJNIK - Your grandma is freaky!
GRANDMA BRITTNEY - I guess I'll be on my way. Today's young men just don't appreciate the old-fashioned values of a native Coloradoan. Good luck to you, Ben.
BRITTNEY - See what you did, you asshole? You upset my grandma, and now she's leaving.
GRANDMA BRITTNEY - **whispers to Ben** A toothless BJ is the best kind. Just remember that. **slips him her number, leaves**
Shawn steps out of the limo to meet Chris Harrison...
SHAWN - Hi Chris. I'm Shawn. I'm a financial analyst from Scottsdale, Arizona, and I've got a five-year-old son named Terry.
CHRIS HARRISON - MILF. MILF. MILF.
SHAWN - Uh... I love long walks on the rocks that make up my lawn...
CHRIS HARRISON - MILF. MILF. MILF.
SHAWN - And visiting the Cheesecake Factory for their fabulous Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp.
CHRIS HARRISON - MILF!
SHAWN - Ok, what's your problem, dude? All I am to you is a mom you'd like to fuck?
CHRIS HARRISON - Yep.
SHAWN - To hell with you, then. Ben Flajnik is a true gentlemen, who will appreciate all the facets of me, instead of just the once and future contents of my baby-maker.
CHRIS HARRISON - Whatever you say, MILF.
SHAWN - Ah, there he is now. True class. **greets Ben** Hello.
BEN FLAJNIK - Hi.
SHAWN - I'm a financial analyst from Scottsdale, Arizona, and I've got a five-year-old son named Terry.
BEN FLAJNIK - MILF, huh? Right on!
SHAWN - Fuck you all.
Emily and Ben chat...
EMILY - I wrote a rap for you.
BEN FLAJNIK - Eh, I'm not really into "urban" music. You'll notice that there are only white women here. That was on purpose.
EMILY - But it took me three weeks.
BEN FLAJNIK - Fine, fine. I'll just pretend it's a poem.
EMILY - Here goes nothin'. Ahem.
I research diseases, which wouldn't help Pac because he was shot.
Like Easy E, I am interested in finding a cure for AIDS.
Big Poppa got diabetes? Well, I can help with that!
So, what do you think?
BEN FLAJNIK - Well, despite the fact that you have no rhythm...
EMILY - Ok...
BEN FLAJNIK - And that none of your verses even rhymed...
EMILY - Uh huh...
BEN FLAJNIK - And that I hate rap, I am somewhat impressed with your knowledge of dead MCs and your ability to link their various ailments to your profession.
EMILY - Sweet!
BEN FLAJNIK - Here's a rose, because despite your musical taste, I really don't want to keep that Canadian chick around.
EMILY - Awwwwwww yeeeeeeah.
Lindzi C. arrives on a gallant steed...
LINDZI C. - Ben, this is Lester. I rode Lester all the way here to practice riding you.
BEN FLAJNIK - Whoa.
LINDZI C. - I love horses, and the way they make your ladyparts feel without having to even do anything.
BEN FLAJNIK - Damn, Gina.
LINDZI C. - I also really look up to Catherine The Great and her relationship with her horse. Make of that what you will.
BEN FLAJNIK - Ok, now you took it too far. But it's fine. Here's a first impression rose, because my first impression is that you like to fuck.
LINDZI C. - You know it. **pats Lester** Way to go, Lester. Your work here is done. Find your way back to Seattle now. Go on, git!
On a couch...
JENNA - Why do you hate me? Want to share a tampon?
MONICA - You're unstable. And yes.
JENNA - W-wait... wha?
MONICA - Yes, I would like to share a tampon with you.
JENNA - But that's so... lesbian!
MONICA - Precisely. Now whip it out.
JENNA - **starts to weep** I'm just so CONFUSED!
MONICA - I don't have time for this. If you decide to get your act together, I'll be nuzzling Blakely's shoulder publicly. **leaves**
JENNA - Why me, God? WHY ME???? Stop staring at me, camera!
BEN FLAJNIK - Uh... couldn't help but hear you sobbing from three rooms away. Everything ok?
JENNA - Yeah. I'm just really drunk and can't quite parse together what's happening around me.
BEN FLAJNIK - That's ok. Chicks like you are usually down with anal.
JENNA - Does that mean I can stay? **hiccups**
BEN FLAJNIK - Duh.
THE END.
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