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| A treatise on Maria Menounos's alarming lack of journalistic objectivity. |
MARIA MENOUNOS - Welcome back, cast of The Real World San Diego! Hey - where's Frankie?
FRANK - She's dead, you bitch.
SAM - And she wasn't even on this season in San Diego. That was in 2004.
MARIA MENOUNOS - Damn, that was a good year. Relevancy is underrated. **starts to sob**
PRISCILLA - Don't cry, nice Greek lady. The DMV still hires people your age.
MARIA MENOUNOS - **gets it together** Ahem. Don't worry about me. If my agent says these reunions are the ticket back to the early Aughties, I'm gonna listen.
NATE - I'll take you back to the early Aughties, girl. On my dick.
**silence**
NATE - Sorry. That was over the line.
MARIA MENOUNOS - On that note, who has the most game in the house?
ALEXANDRA - Sam, for sure. She's all "fuck me", and straight chicks are all "ok!" - I mean, I've never even had sex, but if I had three of those grape bombs and the room was dark, I'd -
ZACH - WHO CARES IF ZASHLEY WANTS TO HANG OUT ALONE ALL THE TIME? I MEAN, WHO EVEN CARES?!?!?
MARIA MENOUNOS - Whoa. Where did that come from? We're talking about game.
ZACH - THIS IS WHERE I WANT THE CONVERSATION TO GO NOW.
MARIA MENOUNOS - And I am not-so-secretly in love with you, so that's where it shall go.
ZACH - Thank you.
MARIA MENOUNOS - **whispers** So, on the down low, I'm totally on your side. But I'm going to try to maintain a facade of journalistic objectivity, so I'll throw Frank a bone every few minutes.
ZACH - A bone? I bet he'd like that.
MARIA MENOUNOS - HAHAHAHAHA! **strokes his arm** Too funny.
ASHLEY - Um, excuse me?
MARIA MENOUNOS - Hey, Mediocre Prom Queen, you want to come out looking favorably?
ASHLEY - Yeah, but -
MARIA MENOUNOS - Then shut it. So, Frank! How does it feel to be the most hated Real World cast member since Dunbar?
FRANK - People hated Dunbar?
MARIA MENOUNOS - Oh snap! That means it feels pretty shitty. Bet you'd kill to get the teeny-bopper Twitter followers Zach's rockin'.
FRANK - I mean, not really, but -
MARIA MENOUNOS - Uh huh. So Frank! Why won't you accept that Zach and Ashley love gay people when they say that they love gay people?
FRANK - They're openly homophobic.
SAM - My mom kissed my dad when he got home from war!
MARIA MENOUNOS - Who let this little boy in here? Run home to your mother. So Frank! Does this all remind you of high school, being the smelly loser who's totes jealous of the cooler kids?
NATE - Ok, what the fuck is going on here, Maria? You're taking Zashley's side on everything.
MARIA MENOUNOS - Hey, it's not my fault that these two are hot n' sassy n' smart n' cultured.
PRISCILLA - But they still eat at Subway, even though they're no longer contractually obligated! How can you even respect them?
MARIA MENOUNOS - **winks at the camera** Oh, you mean our biggest sponsor? **whispers** You'll pay for that one, bitch. Try getting a sweet onion teriyaki this side of the Mississippi anytime soon.
FRANK - You know what I think? I think you're trying to get into Zach's dated, acid-washed pants.
MARIA MENOUNOS - Huh? I'd never! I'm a journalist.
SAM - Right up there with Julissa Bermudez and Sway.
ASHLEY - Alright, I'll come clean. Maria said she'd take my side if I let her creep on Zach. And, having no personality, I said yes.
ALEXANDRA - Wow. That's almost as low as the time you left me on the side of the highway at midnight.
ASHLEY - Sorry. Zach was hungry!
MARIA MENOUNOS - Um, uh... No! None of this is true!
ASHLEY - Yes, it is.
MARIA MENOUNOS - Ashley's crazy! Why would you ever trust someone who models bikinis?
FRANK - Like this? **holds up picture of Maria Menounos modeling a bikini**
MARIA MENOUNOS - Shit. Uh, moving on! Stay tuned for previews from The Challenge - Bitter Exes. You won't want to miss the highly-anticipated reunion of Camilla and Johnny Bananas!
NATE - Were they even ever in a relationship? I thought they were just fucking.
MARIA MENOUNOS - Can it, Red.
THE END.
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