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| Say "cheese!" But don't fucking eat any, ever. photo -mtv.com |
In a McMansion in Homer Glen, Illinois...
SAMMY - Maaaa! Come wipe me!
CARMELLA, SAMMY'S MOM - I'm making dinner, Sammy!
SAMMY - Well, what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait?
CARMELLA - Ugh, fine. **goes upstairs to wipe son's ass**
SAMMY - Thanks, Mommy.
CARMELLA - You're welcome. You know, when you start college, you'll have to learn to wipe yourself.
SAMMY - I can hold it until you visit.
CARMELLA - You can try. Or maybe you'll have a very patient roommate.
TRAINER SARAN DUNMORE - **enters** Ok, I've seen moms up their kids' asses before, but this is too much.
CARMELLA - What? You never seen a lady wipe her grown son's tushie?
SAMMY - I bet she never saw a mom hand-clean her son's underwear after he watched Monster's Ball, either.
CARMELLA - Haha, so true. Sad world you come from, Saran.
SARAN DUNMORE - I don't want to go as far to say you two have a fucked up relationship, but... you two have a fucked up relationship.
SAMMY - Oh yeah? Is this what you consider fucked up, Trainer Lady? **Carmella and Sammy embrace silently for three full minutes**
SARAN DUNMORE - Um, Sammy? It's time to go to the gym.
CARMELLA - **they do not break embrace** We're busy.
SARAN DUNMORE - **starts to pull Sammy** Let's... GO!
SAMMY - Nooo! Mommy!
CARMELLA - It's ok, son. Call me if you need sweat wiped off your brow.
**Sammy does Super Squats, smothers vodka sauce all over his naked body, loses some weight**
On the McMansion patio....
SAMMY - Hey, Dad, throw some chicken on the barbie for me.
SAMMY'S DAD - **takes long slow drag** What the fuck you say? Chicken?
SAMMY - Yeah. Saran says it's better for you than the hog anus lips they put in hot dogs.
SAMMY'S DAD - **takes another drag, blows it out** Bullshit.
SAMMY - Yep. And she says lettuce is a better vegetable for you than potatoes.
SAMMY'S DAD - Ain't that somethin'. **stomps out cigarette** You know, son, you remind me of Cool Hand Luke.
SAMMY - Oh yeah? How so?
SAMMY'S DAD - All... Cool. With... Hands. People sometimes say you look like a Luke.
SAMMY - Aw, thanks dad.
SAMMY'S DAD - That's the biggest compliment you're ever gonna get from me. Now take your chicken and go make out with your mother so I don't have to.
**Sammy goes to Marquette, loses weight**
Sammy returns to the Homer Glen McMansion...
SAMMY - Honey, I'm home!
CARMELLA - **squeals with excitement** He called me honey! Like I'm his wife!
SARAN DUNMORE - You did it! I have to say, I'm shocked. Completely, utterly shocked.
SAMMY - Thanks!
CARMELLA - Hey, Sammy, got a BM to pass? **shows him her hands, ready to wipe**
SAMMY - You know it! Last one to the master toilet is a rotten egg! **bolts upstairs**
THE END.
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