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| Nothing's sexier than shooting something and watching the blood and guts spill out all over the place. photo - mtv.com |
In Zach and Sam's bedroom...
ZACH - Two things you should know about me. I love huntin', church, guns, beatin' up queers, and gettin' bee jays from transexuals.
ASHLEY - What was that last part?
ZACH - Uh... Beatin' up queers?
ASHLEY - Oh, ok. Well, if you love those things, so do I.
ZACH - Damn right, you do. Now come to Papa and make his eyebrows look lovely.
SAM - **enters, looking distraught** My friend got her leg amputated. Want to go bowling with us, to celebrate the things we can do that she now can't?
ASHLEY - Sounds fun!
ZACH - Sounds gay.
ASHLEY - Er, I meant, sounds gay.
ZACH - We're gonna go shoot guns. You know, a straight-people activity.
SAM - Ah, yes. Holding a phallic instrument and feeling its length with your fingers for hours. Got it.
ZACH - I love rubbing that long, black, hard piece of steel. Up and down. Down and up. Yeah. **clears throat** NO HOMO!
SAM - Right. Well, have fun with that. We gotta get over to Palm Lanes before leagues start.
ZACH - Wait, Sam. I'd like to draw your attention to the American flags around our room.
SAM - Just in case we forget where we've been living all of our lives?
ZACH - Right. I just don't want you to forget.
SAM - I... won't? 'Cuz I live here?
ZACH - Right. Just so you know.
SAM - Ok. Well, this has been a productive convo. Have fun playing with guns in your gun shirt.
ZACH - Oh, we will.
**Sam leaves**
ASHLEY - I'm kind of horny.
ZACH - Guns will do that to you.
ASHLEY - Right. Guns. **pictures Sam in her head while they do sex**
At the House of Blues...
HOUSE OF BLUES GENERAL MANAGER - Welcome to the musical equivalent of Chili's.
ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER - We will now interview all of you. You first, little boy.
Sam's Interview...
SAM - I was in marching band in high school.
GENERAL MANAGER - Shocker.
SAM - Here's the real shocker. State champions. Three years in a row.
ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER - Wow!
SAM - But it was after I graduated.
Nate's Interview...
NATE - I love thinking. Objectively, subjectively, obtusely, critically.
GENERAL MANAGER - **to assistant** Speaking of thinking, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER - Busboy.
GENERAL MANAGER - Yep.
Alexandra's interview...
ALEXANDRA - I started an AIDS research foundation when I was still in diapers. While curing an epidemic, I was shitting myself.
Ashley's interview....
ASHLEY - See this face? This is the face of a bartender.
GENERAL MANAGER - Your resume says you were a model.
ASHLEY - All the agencies said I had a face for radio, so bartending is the middle ground. **winks, smiles**
Zach's interview....
ZACH - **sits, grunts, farts** Yo.
GENERAL MANAGER - This guy's really going places.
Priscilla's interview...
PRISCILLA - I had my prom here. It sucked.
Frank's interview...
FRANK - I have sex with people with penises, and people with vaginas. So, in short, I'm a multi-tasker with a lot to offer your company.
GENERAL MANAGER - Ok, then! Great group we got here.
ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER - Why the fuck did we agree to be on this show again?
GENERAL MANAGER - Our stupid marketing department.
Back at the house...
FRANK - Sam and I had an amazing day.
SAM - We went to a gay book store and bought a bunch of rainbow paraphernalia.
FRANK - It was life-changing. I never thought I'd get to experience open homosexual consumerism
SAM - It's really freeing, right? PS - you owe me a ten spot for the cowboy boot sticker.
ZACH - Well, I also had an amazing day. I put up these picture of bullet-ridden civilians all around the room. Don't fucking touch them.
FRANK - Is that Amadou Diallo?
ZACH - The one and only.
FRANK - Um, cool.
SAM - Soooo.... Zach, do you like highlighters?
ZACH - Of course.
SAM - Do you like white t-shirts?
ZACH - Duh.
SAM - Then you have to come to the lesbian highlight tshirt party no excuses you said you like highligthers and white t-shirts so you have to come and you can't say you don't feel like it cuz you already said you like those things.
ZACH - You tricked me!
SAM - Homophobe!
ZACH - I'm not a homophobe! I happened to really enjoy watching Frank passionately kiss his new friend at the Gay Pride parade, something you will see on the next episode!
ASHLEY - Uh... what?
ZACH - Shit. I meant, Guns! Rare Beef! American Flag T-Shirts!
THE END.
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