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| "I will fucking KILL. YOU." photo-bravotv.com |
Dinner at the Casa De Vanderpump...
JASON, PANDORA VANDERPUMP'S FIANCE - Pandy Vandy, marry me n' stuff.
PANDORA VANDERPUMP - K.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Wait... Did you just propose?
JASON - Are you deaf? Yes.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, Pandora! You're going to be Mrs. Jason WhateverTheFuckHisLastNameIs.
JASON - Are you kidding? I wouldn't pass up the chance to be a Vanderpump. It sounds like a kind of sausage. Vanderpump.
KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - But traditionally the woman takes the man's name.
JASON - Did anyone ask you to speak, Rod Stewart?
KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Sorry.
JASON - I'm so pumped to be a Vanderpump. Look at the way my lips pucker every time I say it. Vanderpump. So sexy.
PANDORA VANDERPUMP - Jason and I made a deal. He'll take my last name, and I'll do everything he ever asks forever.
JASON - I even got your family crest tattooed on the space between my penis and asshole.
KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Taint.
JASON - Yes. My taint.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, um... Welcome to the family?
JASON - Thanks. Now pour me some of that fuckin' rosé... "Mom."
LISA VANDERPUMP - Pandora, remember when you dated Jack Osbourne? Such a nice boy.
PANDORA VANDERPUMP - Yes. What about it?
LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, nothing. **breaks down in tears**
At Dana Wilkey's Estate...
KIM RICHARDS - Hey, Pam. You got a john I can shoot up in?
DANA WILKEY - Down the hall, past the Picasso, and to the left of the $30,000 slippers that I accidentally left out. Whoopsies!
KIM RICHARDS - Thanks, yo.
KYLE RICHARDS - Kim, you need help "doing your makeup?"
KIM RICHARDS - Oh, I'm done with that whole charade, sis. I wear my drug addiction loud n' proud.
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Then why don't you do it here in the game room?
KIM RICHARDS - I think I will, strange lady. I think I will. **shoots up in the game room, points to Brandi** Who the fuck is this chick?
KYLE RICHARDS - **giggles** Suuuuch a looooser, right???
KIM RICHARDS - **hands Taylor Armstrong a latex tourniquet** Here, tie this. Tighter!
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Ok, ok! I'm trying!
BRANDI GLANVILLE - You know, I spent a lot of time in Paris in the nineties with one finger down my throat and the other in my asshole - coke highs are better that way, bee tee dubs. Trust me.
KIM RICHARDS - Your point?
BRANDI GLANVILLE - I know drugs when I see them.
KIM RICHARDS - Color me impressed. You can read! **points to canister with "drugs" on the label**
BRANDI GLANVILLE - I think you have a problem.
KYLE RICHARDS - What?!? How dare you accuse my sister of doing drugs!
KIM RICHARDS - Yeah! Just because someone is holding a canister of drugs and injecting said drugs into their veins, you say they have a problem? Why don't you get some shorter shorts, ho?
KYLE RICHARDS - Yeah, slut!
KIM RICHARDS - **pulls crutch out from Brandi's armpit so she falls** Hahaha! I may do drugs but at least I can stand upright.
BRANDI GLANVILLE - You two are not very nice.
KYLE RICHARDS - Whatever. NERD! **Kim and Kyle high-five**
DANA WILKEY - As someone who desperately wants to be friends with the Richards sisters, I agree with their assessment. Hey, who wants a a pool cue made out of carrots!?
The End.
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