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| My dad's a dick, rah rah rah! - photo - mtv.com |
LINDSAY - I need to get thin so I can do a proper round-off.
TRAINER ARY NUNEZ - A round-off? I used to love to do round-offs when I was little!
LINDSAY - No, I'm talking about serious round-offs here. I'm going to be a college cheerleader.
ARY NUNEZ - Um... that's great!
LINDSAY - All I need to do is lose weight, perfect my round-off, and I'm ready to be a cheerleader at a large university in the South.
ARY NUNEZ - You... go girl?
LINDSAY - Yep. Maybe we could even go shopping for Spanks after our workout today.
ARY NUNEZ - Ok, I can't do this. Lindsay, you are not going to make the cheerleading squad at Old Dominion University.
LINDSAY - W-w-what? But I've been training for two whole weeks!
ARY NUNEZ - People train their whole lives for this. I'm sorry. Not gonna happen.
LINDSAY - Maaaaaa! I want a new traineeeerrrr!
ARY NUNEZ - I'm just being honest. See this doo rag? It's a symbol of honesty.
LINDSAY - Maaaaaa! She's meeaaaaaan!
LINDSAY'S MOM - **rushes down the stairs to confront Ary** Get outta here, before I sic my fake ponytail on you!
ARY NUNEZ - Fine. But I do hope you realize I also train Rihanna.
LINDSAY'S MOM - Who? If you would have said Charro, I would have been impressed.
ARY NUNEZ - Who?
LINDSAY'S MOM - GET OUT!
ARY NUNEZ - **throws doo rag on the floor** Good luck finding a trainer who will enable all of your delusions of college cheerleading and beyond. Because I will NOT! **leaves**
LINDSAY'S MOM - **introduces new trainer** Linds, this is Yusuf.
YUSUF - I will enable all of your delusions of college cheerleading and beyond.
LINDSAY - Sweet.
YUSUF - Now let's do some Super Squats over a sickly raccoon.
LINDSAY - K.
YUSUF - Then I'm going to make you wear a leash and parade you in front of the Wendy's all your friends hang out at.
LINDSAY - K.
YUSUF - Then I'm going to make you do sit-ups and squeeze my boobies every time you reach the top.
LINDSAY - K.
YUSUF - Then I'm going to make you do push-ups off a bench.
LINDSAY - What the fuck?! Push-ups off a bench?
YUSUF - Yeah.
LINDSAY - That is SICK! FUCK OFF! **storms off to water fountain**
YUSUF - **follows her to water fountain, stands awkwardly** Um... is this where I'm supposed to hug you and tell you not to give up?
LINDSAY - Yes, idiot.
YUSUF - Ok. Uh, don't give up. **hugs**
LINDSAY - Whatever.
YUSUF - How about this? I'll give you some bitchin' motorcycle gloves to wear while you do push-ups off a bench.
LINDSAY - Why didn't you say so before?
Workout Montage.
Lindsay meets her fat dick of a dad at a restaurant...
LINDSAY - Look, Daddy! I've lost some weight.
LINDSAY'S DAD - Oh, here we go again. Always about you.
LINDSAY - But this has been a huge accomplishment for me.
LINDSAY'S DAD - You know what's a huge accomplishment? Having high blood pressure and still finding the will to get out of bed in the morning.
LINDSAY - Dad... Lots of people have high blood pressure.
LINDSAY'S DAD - Do they also have diabetes? Because I do. It's the killer trifecta. Diabetes and high blood pressure.
LINDSAY - A trifecta is supposed to be three things....
LINDSAY'S DAD - Shaddup. I don't know if you've heard, but diabetes is a rare, strange disease that nobody is willing to accommodate. **opens Splenda packet, pours into his mouth**
LINDSAY - Taste good?
LINDSAY'S DAD - Fuck yeah, it does. So how was the rest of your college orientation?
LINDSAY - Fine, beside having to hitchhike home and sell my body at a truck stop in Trenton to afford food.
LINDSAY'S DAD - That's my girl. I knew you could make it on your own.
LINDSAY - Graduation was good, too, besides you leaving early and then egging my car.
LINDSAY'S DAD - When I was in school, only the popular kids got egged. You should be proud.
LINDSAY - You're a fat dick of a dad, you know that?
LINDSAY'S DAD - So? I don't care about my family. I care about me.
LINDSAY - Um... Bye. **goes to college, makes friend, avoids stir fry**
Lindsay comes home for Thanksgiving...
LINDSAY - Maaaaa! I'm home!
LINDSAY'S MOM - My baby! My life!
LINDSAY - You probably shouldn't refer to me as your life, now that I live four states away n' stuff.
LINDSAY'S MOM - Trying to pick up a hobby didn't work out so well. Macrame blows.
LINDSAY - You look like you lost some weight.
LINDSAY'S MOM - Ditching the fake ponytail took off thirty-five pounds. And I can move my head now. **shakes her head** Hey! Let's go to Friendly's and get a sundae.
LINDSAY - They all closed.
LINDSAY'S MOM - How many more curve balls is God gonna throw my way, huh? HOW FUCKIN' MANY?
The End.
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