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| Trainer Jimi helps Terra's confidence by pretending she is a horse. photo - mtv.com |
Trainer Jimi enters the Wilson household to find the mother and children eating chips in bed...
WILSON FAMILY - **eatin' chips in bed** Nom nom nom nom nom.
TRAINER JIMI VARNER - Hey, Wilson Family! I'm Terra's trainer!
WILSON FAMILY - Nom nom nom nom.
JIMI VARNER - Huh? No comprende.
WILSON FAMILY - Nom nom! Nom.
WILSON FAMILY - Oh, you must be speaking the American Upper Great Lakes Fat Person Dialect. Read about it in The Atlantic.
TERRA'S MOM - Nom nom.
JIMI VARNER - Oh yeah? Half off at Costco? I'll have to check that out.
TERRA'S SISTER - Nom.
JIMI VARNER - Haha! Good one. Well, as much as I hate to break up this obese version of the Waltons at bedtime, Terra's got a lot of work to do.
TERRA'S DAD - **enters in a tank top** Hi. I'm Terra's dad.
JIMI VARNER - **giggles** Oh, um, hello there. Would you like to join our workout?
TERRA'S DAD - Nah. I'm good.
JIMI VARNER - Silly me, obviously you already work out.
TERRA'S DAD - Once a week for thirty minutes.
JIMI VARNER - **points to Terra's dad's bicep** May I?
TERRA'S DAD - Um, I guess so.
JIMI VARNER - **squeezes** Oh. Wow. Wow wow wow wow. Zomg.
TERRA - Can we go now?
JIMI VARNER - Ok, ok. Jesus, so needy. So, um, see you around, Mr. Wilson?
TERRA'S DAD - You bet your sweet ass.
JIMI VARNER - What?! You think my ass is sweet?
TERRA'S DAD - It's just a saying. Because, you know, you'll be around a lot helping my daughter get healthy.
JIMI VARNER - Oh. Right. Bummer. Well, Terra, let's discuss how you're going to lose weight in the depressing Rust Belt ex-metropolis of Flint.
TERRA - Isn't weight loss the same anywhere?
JIMI VARNER - Well, all you guys have to eat here is skinned rabbits, right?
TERRA - Roger & Me was filmed 20 years ago.
JIMI VARNER - Too bad. They're pretty low-cal. Hey, maybe we could put an obstacle course in one of Flint's many vacant auto factories!
TERRA - Believe it or not, there are real live fitness facilities in this town.
JIMI VARNER - Well, I'm sure it'll be crowded because everyone in Flint is unemployed.
TERRA - Ok, can you cut it out with the Flint generalizations?
JIMI VARNER - Sorry, sorry.
TERRA - We're a legit city. We have an Applebee's.
JIMI VARNER - You're right.
TERRA - Well, it's actually in Burton, but close enough.
Awesome Weight Loss Montage Timed to Awesome Rock n' Roll Music. Terra loses weight, they have a house party to celebrate...
JIMI VARNER - Lookin' good, Brown Cow!
TERRA - Fuck you.
TERRA'S DAD - *enters the kitchen** Who wants TURKEY BURGERS?!
JIMI VARNER - I do! Can you spend an extra five minutes hand-forming mine?
TERRA'S DAD - Uh, I guess.
JIMI VARNER - Just make sure your DNA gets deep in there.
TERRA'S DAD - **hand forms patty** Like this?
JIMI VARNER - **shivers** Yeah. Like that.
TERRA'S MOM - Well, Terra, you're skinny-ish now.
TERRA - Yep. I can sort of do the moves at my cheerleading-inspired dance class. **attempts a spread eagle jump**
TERRA'S MOM - Not in the kitchen, honey. Well, I gotta say. I'm pretty proud. In addition to being insanely envious and wanting to skin you and wear you like last season's spring Mossimo line for Target.
TERRA - Aw, thank you, mom.
TERRA'S MOM - Hey, where'd your dad go?
TERRA - Dunno. Where's Jimi?
**Jimi and Terra's dad come out of the laundry room looking disheveled**
TERRA'S DAD - You know what I've always taught you girls. Try everything once.
TERRA - You've never taught us that. Ever.
TERRA'S DAD - Oh. Well, I'm saying it now.
JIMI VARNER - Just once?
TERRA'S DAD - Yeah, sorry. Not really doing it for me.
Terra goes to college, gets highlights, and goes bowling with her parents. Life is good.
THE END.
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