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| This little piggy had twin baby girls. photo - bravotv.com |
PATTI STANGER - Do you have kids?
STEVE G. JONES - Well, I had kids.
PATTI STANGER - So they're dead.
STEVE G. JONES - No...
PATTI STANGER - So DCFS took them away when they found them flailing in fecal matter on the kitchen floor.
STEVE G. JONES - No...
PATTI STANGER - So they're lost at sea with Bethenny Frankel.
STEVE G. JONES - No. I adopted them and gave them up when I got divorced.
PATTI STANGER - Oh, that's all? Shouldn't be a problem. You're a millionaire.
Steve tells date Sally his story....
SALLY - What the FUCK?
STEVE G. JONES - You don't understand.
SALLY - Fuckin' A I don't understand. How do you give up your kids?
STEVE G. JONES - I mean, they weren't my real kids. They were adopted.
SALLY - Sorry to keep saying fuck, but do you realize how fucked up that is?
STEVE G. JONES - You don't know my ex-wife.
SALLY - Yeah. I'm going to go now. **leaves**
PATTI STANGER - I don't get it, dude. Other than willingly signing away parental rights to the children you promised to raise, you're a total catch.
STEVE G. JONES - I know, right? Women.
PATTI STANGER - Yeah. Women. Here, nestle your face in my bosom.
STEVE G. JONES - **cries in Patti's ample bosom** Thanks. I needed that.
At the spa with Christian motivational speaker Gary Coxe...
GARY COXE - Welcome to our date. I'm going to pamper you with slightly unorthodox spa treatments.
JENNIFER - Oh yeah? Like what?
GARY COXE - First, I'll massage your womb with Gold Bond to prepare it to carry our baby twin girls.
JENNIFER - Ooooo kaaaay....
GARY COXE - Then, I'll remove the dead skin off the bottom of your feet with my teeth. The carrier of my baby twin girls has got to have the smoothest of feet.
JENNIFER - Allll riiiiight...
GARY COXE - Next, I'll remove all of your body hair with a piece of duct tape. We wouldn't want our twin baby girls to get scratched from stubble.
JENNIFER - I don't have any body hair.
GARY COXE - Shhh. And then, for the grand finale, I'll caress your lips with this dead leaf.
JENNIFER - What will that do for our baby twin girls?
GARY COXE - Huh? Nothing. Geez, you seem a little obsessed with baby twin girls. It's kind of creepy.
THE END.
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