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| Tori Spelling, the best example of modern motherhood available on the day this show was filming. |
DAVID MEZHERITSKY - Hello. I live in Canada.
PATTI STANGER - Oooh, a Canuck, eh? I like that aboot you... Eh?
DAVID MEZHERITSKY - But I'm really from Russia.
PATTI STANGER - Shit. I had a lot more Canada jokes lined up. Maple syrup, ice hockey, Matthew Perry...
DAVID MEZHERITSKY - Sorry to disappoint.
PATTI STANGER - It's ok, I guess. Just wish I knew ahead of time so I could look up Russia on wikipedia.
DAVID MEZHERITSKY - Patti, I am interested in a wife who is not good at things.
PATTI STANGER - I suck at tennis.
DAVID MEZHERITSKY - I mean ALL things, except breastfeeding and penis-fondling.
PATTI STANGER - I'd recommend Camel Toe Lady over here, but she's clearly quite good at accentuating her camel toe.
CAMEL TOE LADY - Thank you.
PATTI STANGER- You're welcome. Here. Meet Tori Spelling. She can tell you what it's like to cook things in your uterus while being good at having a camera crew following you.
TORI SPELLING - Hi. I'm Tori Spelling, star of "Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood."
DAVID MEZHERITSKY - I'm afraid I don't recognize you. We don't have bad reality television in Canada.
TORI SPELLING - Then how do you know about Patti's show?
PATTI STANGER - Hey, asshole, why don't you go back to not fucking David Silver?
TORI SPELLING - Whoa. Touchy. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! **walks away**
PATTI STANGER - David, How about this chick? **points to Stephanie**
DAVID MEZHERITSKY - Decent. Want to take a bath together?
STEPHANIE - Sounds good. **they go take a bath together**
PATTI STANGER - Ok, that's taken care of. What about you, Baseball Cards? What are you into?
BRIAN WALLOS - They're not actually baseball cards, because the women on there don't play baseball, they just -
PATTI STANGER - Shush, I don't care. Here, meet Carol Leifer's younger sister, Debrah.
BRIAN WALLOS - Hi.
DEBRAH - Hi.
HO FROM BASEBALL CARD - Hi.
HO FROM BASEBALL CARD #2 - Hi.
HO FROM BASEBALL CARD #3 - Hi.
DEBRAH - Who are they?
BRIAN WALLOS - Some women I take naked pictures of to put on trading cards.
DEBRAH - Oh. Ok.
BRIAN WALLOS - Are you ok with that?
DEBRAH - The last guy I dated held the boom mike for a donkey show in Van Nuys. This is small potatoes.
PATTI STANGER - Rachel, will you look at those two? I am Sofa King good at this job.
RACHEL FEDEROFF - Yeah, but who was the one down in the trenches, plucking these women off of Sunset?
PATTI STANGER - Don't you have a rockabilly concert to go to somewhere?
RACHEL FEDEROFF - Yes. But it doesn't start 'till eight.
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