The Bachelorette Episode 9

Constantine does not like Ashley on a plane, he does not like her in the rain, he does not like her in the heat, he does not like her in a suite... photo - ABC.com

ASHLEY HEBERT - Soooo... Do you want to have sex in a hotel room with a water slide?

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - I have too much respect for you, your parents, and my parents to have sex in a hotel room with a water slide.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Then do you want to have sex in a hotel room with a normal slide?

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - No, Ashley. I don't. I don't like slides, and I don't particularly like you.

ASHLEY HEBERT - B-b-but what about when we kissed that one time in your restaurant? Was that all a lie?

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Something about feta on a pizza does funny things to me. I made a mistake.

ASHLEY HEBERT - What am I supposed to do with this fantasty suite?

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Do what I would do. Fantasize in it. Fantasize about brushing the long brown hair out of your lover's eyes, while sipping his special grapefruit blend he created on his vineyard.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Huh?

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS  - Shit, I meant fantasize about brushing the whatever-color and length hair out of your lover's eyes, while sipping HER special grapefruit blend SHE created on HER vineyard. That's what I would do.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - Constantine? 

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS  -  Yes?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Are you in love with Ben F.?

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Yes.

ASHLEY HEBERT - And because you're a Greek Orthodox tied to Cumming, Georgia for life, you can't act on it?

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Yes. It hurts so bad I can't even make jokes about living in a town called Cumming.

ASHLEY HEBERT -  My advice?

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Please, Ashley, give me your advice.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Meet a nice Greek girl who also happens to live in Cumming, Georgia.

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS  - That I'm not related to?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Um, I guess she could live anywhere in the metro Atlanta area.

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS -  Ok, cool.

ASHLEY HEBERT - And when you have your own special "fantasy suite", dress her like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid, put a brown floppy wig on her head, and make her wear a Ben F. mask you printed out from your computer.

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - And that's the secret to a happy life? For me?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Yep. That's it.

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Thank you. When you watch this show and hear me say you remind me of the little troll who lives under the Exit 19 bridge off of GA 20 by my house, I didn't mean it.  **leaves**  

RYAN PARK  - **climbs out from the bushes** Phew, the gay dude's gone. Can we fuck now?

ASHLEY HEBERT -  Whoa! What are you doing here in Fiji?

RYAN PARK - Called Chris Harrison, told him I'm horny.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - Really?

RYAN PARK  - No, it was the producers. Regardless of what they tell you, he's just a host.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - So he doesn't really write these fantasy suite invitations? 

RYAN PARK   - That's Sarah, the Key Grip. Nice handwriting, huh? Alright, here's the story... I was sitting in my solar energy executive office, watching my johnson just sit there, all Bubblicious-like.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - Ooookkk...

RYAN PARK  - And I thought to myself, "Taiwan is not a good place to convince someone who thinks they don't want to bone you that they really do." Am I right?

ASHLEY HEBERT -  Sounds reasonable.

RYAN PARK - So here I am, in Fiji, a much better place to convince someone who thinks they don't want to bone you that they really do.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Ryan, I -

RYAN PARK - So wrap those bowl-legged limbs around me, and let's DO THIS.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Ryan, I don't want to have sex with you.

RYAN PARK  -  Of course you do. I flew around the world just to see those little bee stings.

ASHLEY HEBERT  -  But it was free. ABC payed for your flight.

RYAN PARK   - Shhh.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Ryan, you have to go home now.

RYAN PARK  - But now that the cameras caught me being myself and not a pathetic lonely puppy dog, America will not like me very much.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Sorry. Not my problem.

RYAN PARK -  Fuck, man. I knew I shouldn't have skipped the chapter titled "Conceal Your True Nature" from the Jake Pavelka Handbook To Being The Next Bachelor.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Probs not.  

RYAN PARK - Well... bye. **wades into the water and sits under a cave**  

BARACK OBAMA - Taxes, rich people, blah blah blah. Hope you extended the record time on your DVR, suckas.