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| Getting fake-married in a rented dress is on Naomi's "bucket list." Reach for the stars! photo - mtv.com |
On the news...
NEWS ANCHOR - Hey, Red Shorts, how about you cover up your boner while we're on the five o' clock news?
DUSTIN ZITO - Boner? That's nothing. One time, on Frat Pad, I stuck my whole fist -
NEWS ANCHOR - Oooook! Moving on! In five seconds or less, tell us about your charity event.
HEATHER - We're gonna wear slutty outfits and roller skate around the casino.
DUSTIN ZITO - And raffle off a guitar, but the winner doesn't get to keep it.
COOKE - Proceeds go to making the Hard Rock look like a charitable organization, even though they're just going to use the money to buy Steven Tyler's first harmonica and let elementary school kids touch it every now and then.
NEWS ANCHOR - Wow. Sounds like a great charity. Dustin, please cover your boner. We're going to get fined by the FCC.
DUSTIN ZITO - No! I'm hard and I'm proud.
NEWS ANCHOR - Christ. Only circus cats from now on. Circus cats are the only thing safe for television anymore.
HEATHER - Not true. My cat gets wicked boners, and he knows how to balance a spinning plate on his head.
NEWS ANCHOR - You know, I'd really like to see that sometime.
CAMERMAN - Still rolling.
NEWS ANCHOR - Shit.
At the wedding chapel...
PREACHER - I went to divinity school for seven years, and I ended up at the chapel Kourtney Kardashian contemplated marrying Scott Disick.
LEROY - And they didn't even go through with it!
PREACHER - I know. I've considered suicide a few times because of the failure I've become. But it's couples like you, Naomi and Michael, bright-eyed and hopeful, that keep me holding on.
NAOMI - **to Mike** Fuck. I think we have to go through with this.
MIKE MIKE - No way. He'll be fine. Just hold your Ring Pop high.
PREACHER - Even though that lesbian in the tux over there conflicts with my morals...
COOKE - Sup.
PREACHER - Hello. Ahem, in spite of that, the two of you are the only reason I haven't jumped out of my seat on the New York New York roller coaster, plunging to my untimely death.
MIKE MIKE - Untimely? This dude's, like, eighty.
NAOMI - Mike, how can we let him down?
MIKE MIKE - Easily. Say your joke vows, and let's skedaddle.
PREACHER - In fact, if, for some reason, this turns out to be a sham wedding, and I get word of your dishonesty, I will come to your house, knock on your door, and blow out my brains right in front of you.
MIKE MIKE - **to Naomi** He wouldn't do that.
PREACHER - Don't think I wouldn't do it.
MIKE MIKE - Shit. Looks like we have to get married for realsies.
NAOMI - Sir, or Reverend, or whatever, we are sincere. Yes.
PREACHER - Su-weet! **marries them, for realsies** This is the happiest union I've officiated over, next to Britney Spears and that Jason fellow. Somewhere, they are happy and in love.
NANY - You don't get out much, do you?
PREACHER - Only to stand in front of the monorail and think about staying on the tracks until it's too late. That's my Friday night.
NANY - Great. That's really great.
PREACHER - Yep. Best of the luck to the happy couple.
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