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| This would go great with my goatee! photo - bravotv.com |
At the Van Kempen/McCord Estate...
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Try this one on, Alex. **slurps oyster**
ALEX MCCORD - **tries on white lingerie** This acrylic fabric is setting off my eczema...
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Well, I love it. Very virginal. But judging by our two Children of the Corn, I know you're not. **wink wink**
ALEX MCCORD - Oh you! How about this one?
SIMON VAN KEMPEN -I likey. Kind of like that Rihanna song. **slurps oyster, cracks imaginary whip**
ALEX MCCORD - And this?
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Perfect, baby doll! Get it? Cuz it's a baby doll style.
ALEX MCCORD - I get it. You're so hilarious.
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Time to take it off.
ALEX MCCORD - So soon? You're ready?
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - No, I want to try it on. Pink brings out the functional alcoholic blush in my cheeks. **he puts on the teddy, poses in the mirror for an hour** Alex, darling? I'm ready.
ALEX MCCORD - **snores from bed**
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Oh darn. Guess I'll have to try on these other ones!
FRANCOIS VAN KEMPEN - **enters* What are you doing, daddy?
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Feeling the soft caress of La Perla against my coarse scrotum skin.
FRANCOIS VAN KEMPEN -Ok. Can we go to the park tomorrow?
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Of course, Francois. Now off to bed you go. Daddy wants to experience the sensation of pastel-dyed feathers on his nipple hair.
In a hotel room, where Ramona sits on the couch for eight hours, waiting for Mario...
RAMONA SINGER - Ah! Finally. Follow the rose petals, darling.
MARIO SINGER - I mean, it's a ten by twelve hotel room. Not many other directions to go in.
RAMONA SINGER - Here's a glass of Asti Spumanti. Let me massage your shoulders with this CVS-brand petroleum jelly.
MARIO SINGER - How 'bout my feet? They ache.
RAMONA SINGER - Um, sure.
MARIO SINGER - Nice. Don't forget the bunion.
RAMONA SINGER - Isn't this romantic? Me, rubbing your aching, throbbing feet?
MARIO SINGER - Sure. Hey, grab those tweezers. Unibrow's back in town.
RAMONA SINGER - Is that what you want me to do, baby?
MARIO SINGER - Well, it's what I just said. So... yes.
RAMONA SINGER - K. **plucks**.
MARIO SINGER - Yip. Yip. Yip.
RAMONA SINGER - Oooh, this is starting to feel like that Rihanna song. Very sexy.
MARIO SINGER - Yip. Yip.
RAMONA SINGER - Can we move on to the next level now? If you know what I mean.
MARIO SINGER - I do. **gestures to his private parts** It's all yours.
RAMONA SINGER - Wonderful.
MARIO SINGER - Wait, what are you doing?
RAMONA SINGER - Pleasing you.
MARIO SINGER - Huh? You don't even have the bleach ready.
RAMONA SINGER - Oh no, Mario. Not tonight.
MARIO SINGER - C'mon, I've had a long day.
RAMONA SINGER - **Starts to bleach his anus**. Ok, there's nothing romantic about this.
MARIO SINGER - Can we get it done within the next ten? I'm meeting a friend downtown. She's gonna love, oops, I mean he's gonna love this.
RAMONA SINGER - Ugh, fine. Mario? We have the best marriage out of everybody, right?
MARIO SINGER - You betcha. Hey, when you're done, you can exfoliate my shins. How's that sound?
RAMONA SINGER - Perfect. Just perfect.
At the Shapewear Showing...
SONJA MORGAN - That bloated Scientologist gay Turkish bath attendee! He fucked me!
JILL ZARIN - What does Kelly Preston think about that?
SONJA MORGAN - No, Travolta figuratively fucked me. I'm bankrupt.
JILL ZARIN - So I read in Life and Style. Very reliable, their reporting is.
SONJA MORGAN - That's Hollywood, right?
JILL ZARIN - Not necessarily. What you should have done is come to me, Jill Zarin, with your financial problems. I could have solved everything with a flick of my wrist. Because I'm Jill Zarin.
SONJA MORGAN - Thanks for the help.
JILL ZARIN - Anytime. Anybody who doesn't consult me on their issues is kind of a retard.
SONJA MORGAN - Uh huh.
JILL ZARIN - I know everybody and everyone. So, if you can go back in time and ask for advice from me, you should do it.
SONJA MORGAN - Great.
JILL ZARIN - I mean, I know somebody who knows somebody who can get their hands on a time machine, sooo...
SONJA MORGAN - Gotcha.
JILL ZARIN - Or you could just imagine what it would have been like if you would have asked me for help. Might ease some of the pain.
SONJA MORGAN - You're a real comfort. Ever think of becoming a therapist?
JILL ZARIN - Every day.
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