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| With the tools she's given them to succeed, Caroline's children are taking over the world. photo -bravotv.com |
On the radio... Whoooooaaaa, on the radio....
CAROLINE MANZO - Welcome to "Caroline Orders You the Fuck Around." It's 3 a.m. here in North Jersey. Any calls yet, Larry?
LARRY - Nope. Nothing.
CAROLINE MANZO - Um, ok. So... How 'bout them Nets? That one guy threw the ball in the, um, basket. And stuff. Who's our first caller, Lar?
LARRY - Sorry, Caroline. Nada.
CAROLINE MANZO - Not even one of my friends calling with a fake problem?
LARRY - I mean, I've got some issues we could talk about. My wife's always hassling me to wear underpants at the grocery store, but how else can I tell if the mangoes are ripe?
CAROLINE MANZO - Please god, let there be a caller.
LARRY - Aha! You're in luck. Terri from Bucks wants to talk about raising children.
CAROLINE MANZO - Perfect! That's my forte. Hey, Terri, how are ya?
TERRI - Great, Mrs. Manzo.
CAROLINE MANZO - Please, call me Chubs.
TERRI - Ok... Chubs. First off, I want to congratulate you on your excellent job with your three wonderful kids.
CAROLINE MANZO - Aw, thank you! The kids are alright, you know? Christopher's big Chicks with Dicks carwash idea kind of blew up in his face...
TERRI - Oh yeah?
CAROLINE MANZO - Yeah. I guess it's not the vision the borough had for that piece of land. The Franklin Lakes planning commission turned it down.
TERRI - Oh, that's too bad.
CAROLINE MANZO - It is, Terri. It's too bad. So now he's shacking up with a homosexual and a dog named Dolores in a Hoboken apartment complex.
TERRI - But he's with Albie, right?
CAROLINE MANZO - Yes, with Albie. We had big dreams for that kid. But God had other plans, by making him too stupid to stay in a third tier law school.
TERRI - But what about the police academy?
CAROLINE MANZO - He couldn't fire a gun to save his life. And kept pricking his skin whenever he tried to put on his badge. Well, at least he's still got his hair, right?
**Silence**
TERRI - Well, Caroline, I'm calling because my son Bobby -
CAROLINE MANZO - And then there's Lauren. Sweet, husky, idiot Lauren. You know when she did my makeup she put frosted shadow on my lids? I'm a fifty-five year old woman. Frosted shadow.
TERRI - So Bobby claims he's bisexual, but he's only seven -
CAROLINE MANZO - That dumbass will NOT make it in the makeup biz. But at least she can marry Vito and he'll take care of her, right?
TERRI - So I found Bobby and his "best friend" Craig in the tub -
CAROLINE MANZO - WRONG! Vito spends all day slicing prosciutto and sniffing mozzarella. I'm going to be paying their cell phones bills until the day I die.
TERRI - And Craig says, Mrs. H, we were just experimenting. Yeah, I know a thing or two about experimenting.
CAROLINE MANZO - So what am I left with? A ratty-looking "entrepreneur" who does awful, offensive impressions of Cajun people, a balding law-school drop-out, excuse me, fail-out, and a chunky frosted-eyeshadow applier.
LARRY - C'mon, Caroline, they're great kids.
CAROLINE MANZO - Shove it, Larry. I failed. I am in no position to give advice to anybody.
LARRY - But we're in Jersey. Your kids are the most impressive specimens north of Cape May. Remember The Situation?
CAROLINE MANZO - Shit, now you're comparing them to The Situation? Fuck me. Terri, tell Little Bobby to touch all the wieners he wants, nothing matters in this world. **rips off mic**
LARRY - Caroline, wait!
CAROLINE MANZO - I'm out. My kids are losers, and I've got nothing to show for this withered ol' va-jay-jay. Nothing. **leaves**
Dead air space...
LARRY - Uh, so this is Larry, the guy who usually screens calls. It's 3:15 am here in Northern Jersey...
**more dead air space**
LARRY - Alright, here's a topic. Underpants at the grocery store... Necessary, or an arcane holdover from the Victorian era?
The End.
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