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| On Rivals, the chronically unemployed play games for money. photo - mtv.com |
TJ LAVIN - Despite a debilitating brain injury, MTV has asked me back to host Rivals, because there's nothing else important I could be doing at this moment, like resting and trying to recover.
EVAN - Even though you're retarded now, you're still smarter than Julissa Bermudez.
TJ LAVIN - I know, right? So we've paired you up with someone who you despise with a deep passion, much like Tatum O' Neal to Ryan O' Neal.
ADAM K - Nice reference.
TJ LAVIN - Thank you. Can't wait for their reality show. So let's reveal the line-up, along with a list of your grievances. Kenny, you're with Wes. Now HATE!
WES - Well, we both hooked up with a Peruvian F-list actress with an overbite.
KENNY - Did you catch her in that fibromyalgia commercial?
WES - I did. She was ok!
KENNY - I know!
TJ LAVIN - Look at that intense disdain, everybody. Next, Aneesa and Robin.
ANEESA - I've been on these shows for 25 years, so frankly, I can't remember what our beef was.
ROBIN - Me neither. Something about kidney stones?
ANEESA - No, that was Tonya.
ROBIN - Hmmmm...
TJ LAVIN - Wow, do I need to separate you two? Ty, Brandon, you're up.
BRANDON - Ty asked me to suck his dick on the Gulag.
TY - Which is an act of love, is it not?
BRANDON - That's true. Good point.
TJ LAVIN - You could cut the homo tension with a knife! Jonna, Jasmine, air your grievances.
JONNA - Um, she had a crush on a guy I had a crush on once.
TJ LAVIN - Yeow, CAT FIGHT! CT and Adam, participants in one of the most controversial fights in history!
CT - It's not really controversial. I unfairly took a swing at him, and for that, I am deeply sorry.
ADAM K - I accept. And my dad was in the Commodores.
TJ LAVIN - Anybody got a body bag? Death on aisle 2! So, Tyler, in the mood for a banana smoothie?
TYLER - Yeah, that actually sounds great right now.
TJ LAVIN - No, I was suggesting that you want to grind Johnny Bananas into a liquid form and ingest him.
TYLER - What? Why would I do that? Johnny, love you man.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Love you, too.
TJ LAVIN - Can you motherfuckers just play along, for the sake of good television? Jesus H. Christ. Next season, we're hiring actors. Laurel, you gonna tell us how you were a bridesmaid in Cara Maria and Abe's wedding now?
LAUREL - No. I really do hate her fucking emo guts.
TJ LAVIN - Now that's what I like to see. Join me, paragons of hate, as I watch you all jump off a cliff holding hands.
ADAM ROYER - Uh, I don't want to do that.
TJ LAVIN - Fine, go home.
ADAM ROYER - K. **leaves**
TJ LAVIN - Well, looks like we'll need to find a hate-filled replacement to partner with Leroy. Someone who would throw him under the wheels of a speeding semi, and make fun of him for being a garbage man if they got the chance.
**Mike Mike enters**
LEROY - MIKE MIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE MIKE - LEROOOOOOOY!!!!!!!!!!!
LEROY - I missed you so much, man. You have no idea.
MIKE MIKE - Me too. I don't think I've ever had such a strong connection with another human being.
TJ LAVIN - Yeah, I think I'm going to go. Maybe Julissa Bermudez could make this theme work, but my head hurts. Peace. **bikes away**
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