The Bachelorette - Episode 4

This guy killed someone he was married to.  photo - abc.com

On a beach in Fuck-It, Thailand...

AMES - So what intangible qualities are important to you in a potential evolutionary partner?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Say what now?

AMES  - What makes you wanna bang someone?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Ah, ok, that I understand. Um, blond curly hair, a young daughter with a stupid name, a degree from Brigham Young University, and a family business to promote on a reality show.

AMES  - I said intangible.

ASHLEY HEBERT - I'm a dentist. We don't do "emotions."

AMES - Man, I knew I should have come to Thailand by myself again.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Wait... you've been to Thailand alone before?

AMES  - Many, many, many times. 

ASHLEY HEBERT - For... what, exactly?

AMES - I was, uh, cooking n' stuff.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Oh reeeeealllly? What did you cook?

AMES -  Hmm... Rice? Noodles? Hey, do you know how to give nude massages on a greased-up Aerobed?

ASHLEY HEBERT  - No. No I do not.

AMES - Worth a shot. Well, I'm gonna make a quick day trip to Bangkok to check out... spices. Yeah, to see if there are any good spices to bring back. I promise I'll return more relaxed.

ASHLEY HEBERT - But what about -

AMES  - Bye!  **leaves to get serviced by Thai kiddie prostitutes**     



Back at the ranch...

ASHLEY HEBERT - Some of the guys are saying you ain't nothin' but a bitch.

RYAN - Is that so? What, Do they have a problem with taking orders from a solar energy executive with no experience in orphanage improvement projects?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Well, probably.

RYAN -  Dicks.

ASHLEY HEBERT - I think it's just your cheerful demeanor that catches them off guard.

RYAN  -  Um, excuse me? Is there something wrong with being happy all the time?

ASHLEY HEBERT  - No, but sometimes -

RYAN -  I mean,  there are men in uniform overseas fighting for our country -

ASHLEY HEBERT - Well, it's not really overseas, we're in Thailand now.

RYAN - Shhh, this is making good material for the ABC-watching Red State masses. Ahem. **passionately**  How can we be anything but grateful that we are living in comfort, while our armed forces visit sub-par prostitutes?

ASHLEY HEBERT -  I'm surprised you'd use that analogy, rather than reflecting on the poor orphans we helped today.

RYAN -  I'm trying to win over Middle-Amurica, who couldn't give four fucks about foreign kids.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Well, sometimes it's ok to have feelings other than happiness, regardless of what's going on around the world. 

RYAN  - Hush. Ashley, it's our duty to be cheerful, when people from our country are voluntarily doing things in other countries.  **winks at the camera** Look out, People Magazine, I'm coming to a two-page spread in you.

ASHLEY HEBERT - I don't think that came out how you intended.


RYAN - **imitating a tuba** Whaaaap WHAAAAP. Listen, Debbie Downer, while you make light of unintended double-entendres, a private is eating yucky food. Because we're at war. And the food isn't as good, when you are at war.

ASHLEY HEBERT   - So... we need to act like smiling robots. And this helps the soldiers how?

RYAN - It just does.  Patriots don't ask questions. **flashes a mega-wattsmile at the camera** Go USA.




At the Rose Ceremony...

CHRIS HARRISON - West, please say your goodbyes, and GTFO.

ASHLEY HEBERT -  I'm so sorry, West. I just don't think I could ever measure up to your ex-wife, who you killed in the bathtub.

WEST LEE - What?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Drew Peterson-style.

WEST LEE -  Excuse me?

ASHLEY HEBERT - And then tried to cover up, claiming she drowned.

WEST LEE - Ok, who told you this?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Chris Harrison.

WEST LEE  - That a-hole! He totally broke Bro Code.

ASHLEY HEBERT -  Sorry, yo. Maybe it'd be best for you to lay low in Asia, wait 'til things blow over back in the states.

WEST LEE  - You're probably right. Well, try to pick someone who's not a murderer ok? We don't necessarily make the best husbands.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Noted. Thanks for the tip.