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| Another day, another drunken argument at an anti-bullying fashion show. photo - bravotv.com |
At the Middle-Age Lady Spa...
DJEMBE TEACHER - Welcome to West African drum class, where I help rich sex-starved middle-aged women forget their horrible lives.
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Um, excuse me? I'm currently getting some.
DJEMBE TEACHER - With French Ross Gellar? Doesn't count. Ok, let's all bang on the drum and tell our neighbors what we hate about them. You first, Fire Crotch.
JILL ZARIN - **touches her hair** Oh, this isn't real. But the carpet does match the drapes - I buy alotta hair dye.
DJEMBE TEACHER - Gross.
JILL ZARIN - Cindy, I hate your horsey mouth. **bangs the drum**
CINDY BARSHOP - Jill, I hate your fire crotch. Got a glimpse at the sauna - NYFD called, they want their vehicle back. **bangs the drum**
KELLY BENSIMON - Blech! You girls look at other vaginas?
CINDY BARSHOP - Duh, its the 90s.
KELLY BENSIMON - Ew! I would never want to see a lady's soft, silky, alluring vagina. That's, like.... lesbian.
DJEMBE TEACHER - Um, let me just adjust my drum in front of my pants here... Ah, that's better. Ahem. Man-Voice, it's your turn.
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Thanks, dude. Kelly, I hate that your man-voice rivals mine. It's how I differentiate myself from the pack.
KELLY BENSIMON - Sure, I'll get right on that non-man voice corrective surgery. Fucking bitch.
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - You're a fucking bitch!
CINDY BARSHOP - No, you are!
JILL ZARIN - You are!
DJEMBE TEACHER - Now, now, ladies. We can turn this drum circle into a raging spa orgy, if it'll help you relieve this stress.
CINDY BARSHOP - Who do we look like, Sonja Morgan?
JILL ZARIN - Why don't you have an orgy with yourself, hippie pig man?
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Yeah. Pig.
KELLY BENSIMON - Greasy squirmy oink oink piggy hippie!**Anger now directed at Djembe Teacher**
DJEMBE TEACHER - My work here is done. That's why they pay me the big eleven dollars an hour.
At the Anti-Bullying Party...
RAMONA SINGER - Great party. Pretty cool that your stepdaughter is willing to speak in front of other humans, what with being deformed and all.
JILL ZARIN - Hey, why don't you pour another bawtle of pinow dawn ya throat, ya alcohowlic?
RAMONA SINGER - Bullying! Jill Zarin's bullying, everybody!
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Darling, its declasse to yell at a party.
RAMONA SINGER - What if its a frat party? What then, hmmmm? Gimme that. **rips glass of wine out of Countesses hands, downs it**
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Now that you're wasted, it might be a good time to ask if I can wear a David Meister teddy in the privacy of my own home.
RAMONA SINGER - Absolutely not. And not because it's David Meister - I just don't think you should be wearing a teddy. Ever.
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Wow. You're kind of a huge asshole when you're drunk.
RAMONA SINGER - Speaking of "huge assholes", where's Alex? I know what her husband's into, if you catch my drift.
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Unbelievable.
ZARIN STEPDAUGTHER - If I may interject, even though according to Ramona I should be hiding in a cave somewhere, you're all unbelievable.
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - It's rude to interject if you have a birthmark.
ZARIN STEPDAUGTHER - Fuck you, Man-Voice. Ramona, you have a drinking problem. Kelly, you have a life problem. And Alex, stop trying to make modeling happen. It's not going to happen.
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Jill, aren't you going to stop her?
JILL ZARIN - Stepdaughter, or whatever your name is, please stop criticizing my friend.
ZARIN STEPDAUGTHER - Whatever, "mommy". Find another pet cause to make yourself look good. I'm outta here. **grabs bottle of pinot and chugs, smashes it on the ground**
JILL ZARIN - Damn. It's always the quiet ones.
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