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| Sometimes, not even a chaste kiss with another woman from over a year ago is scandalous enough to get you a slot on a reality show. photo - bravotv.com |
At the "Alexis Couture" studio, i.e. her laundry room...
ALEXIS BELLINO - Tal, this dress looks like something a Vegas whore would wear.
TAL SHEYN - I'm sorry. I'll try to make it more modest.
ALEXIS BELLINO - No.. I want it to look like a Reno whore. And they don't wear sleeves in Reno. **starts to cut off sleeves**
TAL SHEYN - Oh no. Please don't.
ALEXIS BELLINO - This is MY line. Does your 48 year-old husband have a successful Craigslist-based loan shark operation?
TAL SHEYN - No, but I worked so hard -
ALEXIS BELLINO - And do you go to your rock n' roll mega-church with a tattooed pastor three times a week to pray for your dress line to succeed?
TAL SHEYN - I'm Catholic, we have priests -
ALEXIS BELLINO - Exactly. Snip snip.
TAL SHEYN - **starts to weep.** I had to miss Christmas to sew on those sequins. My kids didn't get any gifts this year.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Oh please.. You sound like my nanny when I made her work while her mother died from pancreatic cancer. Get a grip.
At the fashion show rehearsal...
PEGGY TANOUS - I'm so glad to be back in the game. Pump it pump it pump it.
TAMRA BARNEY - Is your arm ok?
PEGGY TANOUS - Yeah, why? Pump it pump it.
TAMRA BARNEY - Because it's flailing when you walk.
PEGGY TANOUS - Haha, oh Tamra. So Glendora. I'm a model. This is how it's done. Pump it pump it pump it. **falls on her face.**
TAMRA BARNEY - Is that how it's done?
PEGGY TANOUS - **brushes dusts and crumbs off new balloon breasts** Yes. Don't you watch ANTM? That's the " Tyra Trip."Amateurs.
At the Lesbian Gym...
LYNNE CURTAIN - Isn't it weird that nobody in this scene is a current member of the cast?
FERNANDA ROCHA - Yep. So we gotta find a way to turn up the heat.
MARION - Why don't you talk about the eight years of monogamous, stable love we had together?
FERNANDA ROCHA - Boring.
MARION - Or how we built this terrific gym from the ground up together?
FERNANDA ROCHA - Yawn. I know! I'll tell everyone that Tamra and I had sloppy lesbian sex at a Mexican restaurant! Take that, Kim Zolciak!
MARION - While we were married?!
FERNANDA ROCHA - Oh shit. I forgot you were listening. The cameras make me say crazy things. It was just a peck on the cheek.
LYNNE CURTAIN - Uh, Can we get back to the downward dog now? I left that show for a reason.
FERNANDA ROCHA - Cuz you were ass broke?
LYNNE CURTAIN - No! Because I wanted privacy to repair the broken relationship with my family.
**silence**
LYNNE CURTAIN - Ok, it was because I was ass broke.
FERNANDA ROCHA - Damn it, Marion, play along. A peck on the cheek doesn't get you a slot on the highest-rated show after Burn Notice.
MARION - Sorry, babe. Time to take your spot among Kim G. And Jennifer Gilbert in the Rejected Potential Housewives Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY.
FERNANDA ROCHA - See? This is why we gay marriage divorced. I'm just a joke to you.
MARION - Well, you never supported my dreams to be a Shetland pony trainer!
FERNANDA ROCHA - Shetland ponies smell bad! And you never put cocoa butter on my back when I ask!
LYNNE CURTAIN - Uh, guys? Can we get back to working out?
FERNANDA ROCHA & MARION - Shove it, Curtain!!
At the Gunvalson Estate...
VICKI GUNVALSON - When you're in Vegas, don't talk to boys. And don't fall asleep on the couch, it's bad for your back. And don't take roofies.
BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Mom, nobody takes roofies. They're secretly given to you.
VICKI GUNVALSON - Tell that to your Uncle Bob. He pretends he gets roofied so he has a place to sleep at night.
BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Ok, fine, no roofies.
VICKI GUNVALSON - And no Imperial Palace. I don't want you to come home smelling like the Seventies.
BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Shouldn't be a problem...
VICKI GUNVALSON - And no alcohol. And no hookahs. And no lesbians talking to you while you smoke a hookah. And no fun.
BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Mom, please -
VICKI GUNVALSON - On second thought, no going to Vegas. And no going anywhere without me, ever.
BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Are you being serious right now?
VICKI GUNVALSON - TAKE ME WITH YOU! I'm so lonely!!!!!!
BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Why don't you invite that big-breasted Christian over for a drink?
VICKI GUNVALSON - Ok.
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