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| No you di-int, Jesus Barbie. Photo - bravot.tv. |
At Mastro's Ocean Club in Newport Beach...
WAITRESS - And here's your Cherry Lemonade Martini with smoke coming out of it.
PEGGY TANOUS - Is this drink holistic?
WAITRESS - Well, it's got fresh fruit, cane sugar, and a dash of British Petroleum gasoline, straight from the gulf.
PEGGY TANOUS - Perfect. Thank you. **chugs**
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Here, Peggy, try my Gretchen Christine Beaute lipgloss. It's got tingly-whatevers.
PEGGY TANOUS - Is it holistic?
SLADE SMILEY - It's made from corn stalks and bits of nicotine patches, with toxic food coloring for aesthetic purposes.
PEGGY TANOUS - Nice! **slathers on lips**
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Wow, Peggy, that ring is humungozoid! It's bigger than my left nipple!
SLADE SMILEY - Which is pretty damn big.
PEGGY TANOUS - It was harvested from starving one-armed children in Sierra Leone.
MICAH STEWART - But they lost their arms in natural landmine explosions, so it's holistic.
PEGGY TANOUS - It feels good to have your spirit be one with nature and god. ** breast implant bursts all over dinner table.** Aw nuts.
At the dog park...
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Why don't you climb that tree and see if your weight manages to uproot it from the ground? Tubba wubba!
SLADE SMILEY - What does that even mean?
GRETCHEN ROSSI - That you're a fat, greasy dead beat with a lisp.
SLADE SMILEY - Ouch.
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Yeah, that's right. How's my music career that you promised to manage coming along?
SLADE SMILEY - Huh?
GRETCHEN ROSSI - You heard me, Fatso.
SLADE SMILEY - Who even calls someone a Fatso nowadays?
GRETCHEN ROSSI - I do, dum dum. And Gretchen Christine Beaute? The website looks like a five year old paraplegic put it together.
SLADE SMILEY - Gretchen , I -
GRETCHEN ROSSI - What's that, Mr. Jiggles? I'm sorry, you relinquish the right to speak until I can bear to look in your general direction without puking.
SLADE SMILEY - You know, Gretchen, sometimes the things you say hurt my feelings.
GRETCHEN ROSSI - What? Why didn't you say anything until now?
SLADE SMILEY - Fear.
SLADE SMILEY - Aw, don't be afraid. I'd never say anything I thought would make you feel bad. Never.
SLADE SMILEY - Ok. I'm going to run home now.
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Good choice, fat ass.
At a McMansion interchangeable with other McMansions...
TAMRA BARNEY - So word in the OC Register is that you're in foreclosure.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Stupid reporters. Haven't they ever heard of a loan modification?
TAMRA BARNEY - I haven't, and I've worked in real estate for ten years.
ALEXIS BELLINO - To be fair, you also don't know what a "house" is.
TAMRA BARNEY - They don't teach that until the advanced real estate courses.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Well, idiot, a loan modification is when you can't afford your mortgage payments, and the bank tries to take your house, but then your husband "arranges a deal."
TAMRA BARNEY - How did you manage to afford this airbrushed photo shoot of a shirtless Jim, complete with diamond-encrusted picture frame?
ALEXIS BELLINO - It's called priorities, Tamra. Look it up.
Surf &Turf night...
DONN GUNVALSON - Great steak.
VICKI GUNVALSON - **Grunt**
DONN GUNVALSON - I love white wine. Have I ever told you Riesling is my fav?
VICKI GUNVALSON - **Grunt, burp**
DONN GUNVALSON - I'll be 58 this year. Maybe we should throw a party!
VICKI GUNVALSON - **grunt, burp, fart, but not necessarily in that order**
DONN GUNVALSON - Do you like the show "Burn Notice?" I sure do.
VICKI GUNVALSON - Excuse me? I'm trying to eat, think about insurance, and balance bodily functions all at once.
DONN GUNVALSON - Sorry, Vick. I'll just face the wall in silence.
VICKI GUNVALSON - Thank you.
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