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| The housewives take time out of their busy schedules of relaxing and getting spa treatments to attend a party about relaxing and getting spa treatments. |
EDDIE JUDGE - What's this?
TAMRA BARNEY - My wedding dress.
EDDIE JUDGE - Why does it have nipple tassels and a crotch hole?
TAMRA BARNEY - Hey, it was the Nineties.
EDDIE JUDGE - What's this glass?
TAMRA BARNEY - It's a glass for drinking fluids. From my wedding to Simon.
EDDIE JUDGE - You should really throw it out.
TAMRA BARNEY - But it's a perfectly good glass, if you ignore the airbrushed image of me and Simon making love, and the little hole on the side.
EDDIE JUDGE - How about this used condom? You really saved it?
TAMRA BARNEY - That's actually yours, from when we did it in the garage ten minutes ago.
EDDIE JUDGE - Oh. You know, Tamra, I don't know how I feel about all these things left over from your life with Simon.
TAMRA BARNEY - Is that so? Well, how about my kids? They're from Simon. Think I should get rid of them, too?
EDDIE JUDGE - Well... They do look an awful lot like him.
TAMRA BARNEY - Done. They're gone.
EDDIE JUDGE - Aw. You're the best girlfriend I've ever had, if you discount the one from high school that was actually a boy.
At Alexis's Relaxation n' Rejuvenation party....
PEGGY TANOUS - Great party, Lex. I especially love the strangers plucked from obscurity you hired to stick needles in our faces.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Strangers? These are the pool boys from our country club.
PEGGY TANOUS - The ones who watched as your kids almost drowned last July?
ALEXIS BELLINO - The very ones. Poke right between the eyes, Pablo.
VICKI GUNVALSON - I'm here! I hope everyone realizes that I left work to be here, and what a huge sacrifice it is for me to appear on the television show I signed up for six seasons in a row.
PEGGY TANOUS - It's so great to meet you! As the sole working woman in Coto not in the real estate business, you're a legend.
VICKI GUNVALSON - Oh, please. I'm just like everyone else. But do go on.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Peggy, taste this sugar free brown cake. It's made from tarantula feces.
PEGGY TANOUS - Shhh, I'm busy worshiping at the altar of Working Woman Vicki Gunvalson.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Fine. More tarantula feces for me.
PEGGY TANOUS - So, how do you do it, Vicki? Balance ignoring your husband with a busy work schedule?
VICKI GUNVALSON - It's hard, but it's about turning off that chip inside you that recognizes human suffering and sadness.
PEGGY TANOUS - Wow. You are truly amazing.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Peggy, look! My foreheads completely frozen, except for this one spot near the hairline. I look like Jack Nicholson.
PEGGY TANOUS - Uh huh, that's nice. So, Vicki, tell me more about your river house...
GRETCHEN ROSSI - She's gone, girlfriend. Just let her go.
ALEXIS BELLINO - I know. Jim was right about friends, and how I shouldn't have any ever.
At Lesbian Fernanda's Citizenship Party...
FERNANDA - Friends are people who celebrate with you when you've earned the right to not know any of the presidents' names.
FRIEND - Quick - who's Samuel Adams?
FERNANDA - Yuppie beer.
FRIEND - Very good! You're one of us now.
FERNANDA - I can't believe Tamra's not here. You'd think someone who bared her breast scars to pose for human rights photos with you would show up.
FRIEND - Isn't she moving out of her sad, poorly lit apartment today?
FERNANDA - No excuse. You should always schedule big life changes around lesbians you've just met. Always.
FRIEND - What a bitch.
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