The Bachelor Episode 2

It's Michelle's 30th birthday, and she's angry she's got to spend it in a rent-free mansion in sunny California and not really have to do anything but sit around and swim all day. photo mtv.com

At an empty fake carnival, with zombies lurking, hungry for vapid desperate-lady brains...

ASHLEY - Cotton candy? Really? I'm a dentist, asshole.

BRAD WOMACK - Sorry. I thought a fake carnival would be fun.

ASHLEY - It's ok. Wanna make out?

BRAD WOMACK - Sure, I guess, after we discuss our absentee fathers for awhile.

ASHLEY - Ugh. Sugar, zombies, and talking about feelings? This is what passes for a date on this network? Couldn't I have at least gotten the damn helicopter ride?


On a television set, inexplicably...

BRAD WOMACK - To show the importance of donating blood, we're going to dress you in slutty costumes. Well, mostly slutty. One unlucky lady has to wear a butch skateboarder thingy.

MELISSA - If that turns out to be me, I will kill somebody.

BRAD WOMACK - Good news... it's not you. You're actually going to be playing yourself... in a cougar outfit!

MELISSA - Dick.

BRAD WOMACK - Britt, you and another chick have to triple-kiss me. That's just what it says in the script.

BRITT - The Red Cross script calls for a triple-kiss?

BRAD WOMACK - Yep. I didn't write it. Don't shoot the messenger.

BRITT - Oh man. I get all nervous about making out with someone of the opposite sex, Weatherman style.

MICHELLE - Aw, don't be nervous. Just go for it!

BRITT - Gee, if you say so. **rides Brad like a donkey for two straight hours**

MICHELLE - I didn't really mean it, for crissakes! It's my THIRTIETH BIRTHDAY! The MOST IMPORTANT of ALL BIRTHDAYS!

BRITT- Sorry. I'm a very literal person.

BRAD WOMACK - So, what's the second best way to acknowledge that the Red Cross exists and stuff?

MADISON - After-party on a rooftop in downtown LA?

BRAD WOMACK - Exactly!!!!!



Red Cross After-Party on a Rooftop in Downtown LA...

MICHELLE - Drinkin', swimmin', and gettin' roses. The three things I'm best at in the world. Oh, and havin' birthdays. I'm good at that one, too.

ALL THE OTHER GIRLS - Fuck you.



On a very unique date in Pasadena...

JACKIE - Wow! A room full of dresses from JC Penney! Move over, Carrie Bradshaw, there's a new NYC fashionista in the house.

BRAD WOMACK - And now here we are at the Rose Bowl. You look just like Bette Midler in Beaches when she was on this very stage.

JACKIE - Uh... thanks?

BRAD WOMACK - No prob. Compliments are kinda my thing. And now... the hottest musical act around is here....

JACKIE - Seriously? Drake's here? Is it Rhianna? Nicki Minaj!

BRAD WOMACK - TRAIN!!!!! 

JACKIE - Who?

BRAD WOMACK - From the late 90s? "She never compromises, loves babies and surprises..."

JACKIE - Oh, uh, right. Train. Let's dance to drown out the awful noise in the background.



Back at the Mansion...

MELISSA - Stop attacking me.

RAICHAL - I was just sitting here silently, drinking my champagne.

MELISSA - But I can just tell what you're thinking. And it's mean things.

RAICHAL - I was actually thinking about the time I manscaped Tom Selleck, and it broke my wax stick.

MELISSA - Oh yeah? We'll see what Ali and Roberto have to say about this!

ROBERTO - We don't care.

ALI - Yeah, we really don't give a shit. We just miss the camera. **winks at the camera**

BRAD WOMACK - Emily, will you accept this first impression rose? My first impression of you is that you're sweet, innocent, and have never had pre-marital sex that would have resulted in a child out of wedlock, thus making you a single mother.

EMILY - Of course. Very astute observation.



At the Rose Ceremony...

BRAD WOMACK - So you know that study that just came out that says men can't get boners when women are crying near them? (http://healthland.time.com/2011/01/06/the-crying-game-womens-tears-dial-down-testosterone/)

MELISSA - No, I hadn't heard that.

RAICHAL - Me neither.

BRAD WOMACK - Yeah, obviously. Well, it's true. I didn't even know my penis could get this soft, and I've seen my grandmother naked on more than one occasion.

CHRIS HARRISON - Melissa, Raichal, take a moment, and say your goodbyes.

BRAD WOMACK - Thanks, Chris. I couldn't have said it better myself.

CHRIS HARRISON - Wise choices, Brad. Even my penis is soft, and I popped a handful of Viagra forty-five minutes ago. Hopefully your decision will be equally as easy next week on.... The Bachelor!