Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Episode 3

Kim Kardashian's dog becomes the Lance Armstrong of the pet world, except with zero balls instead of just one.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Chop these balls off, doc.

VETERINARIAN - My suspicions about you have been confirmed. Somebody get "In Touch" magazine on the phone. 

KIM - No, I meant Rocky's balls. He's my boxer. 

VETERINARIAN - Oh. I see you brought your step-father with you.

BRUCE JENNER - Where Kim goes, I go. It's a typical, healthy step-parent/step-child relationship.

VETERINARIAN - Sure. Well, let me grab my rusty paring knife, and I'll get to work.


BRUCE - WAIT!

VETERINARIAN - What is it, Mr. Jenner?

KIM - Yeah, what the hell is it? I've got the "Black Athletes and the Eastern European Women Who Love Them" event at the Best Western in two hours. 

BRUCE - I just want to make sure that after this procedure, Rocky will still be able to, uh, perform.

VETERINARIAN - No. I'm sorry. But once I install these Neuticles, he'll think he can. He'll still dress up in leisure suits and buy Manhattans for secretaries down at The Watering Hole. 

BRUCE - But he and I... I mean... will we still be able to...

KIM - Able to what, Bruce? 

VETERINARIAN - No need to explain, Mr. Jenner. The police are already here. What you're referring to may not be a crime in Kentucky, but it's certainly against the law here in Calabasas. 

BRUCE - How'd they get here so fast?

VETERINARIAN - As soon as you asked if Rocky could still perform, I pressed the 911 button under my desk. We see guys like you all the time... Former Olympians whose wives can't give them the level of worship and awe they think they deserve, so they turn to species known for their loyalty and devotion. Doesn't make it any less sick, though. 

BRUCE - Kris is never around! I get so lonely! What am I supposed to do?

VETERINARIAN - Use Casual Encounters on Craigslist, like any self-respecting washed-up athlete. 

KIM - Bruce, you are SO annoying sometimes.

BRUCE - I'm sorry, Kimmy. I've been reading this bio about Catherine the Great. It gave me, you know... ideas. 

KIM - Ugh, I guess I'm going to have to bail you out.

BRUCE - So you're not going to tell Kris?

KIM - I don't think we need to have two castrations in one day.

VETERINARIAN - Bah dum dum! Good one, Kim.