This Florida panther, a unique subspecies of cougar, wins worldwide recognition after eating a significant portion of The Jersey Shore cast.
The gang arrives in Miami Beach, FL...
THE SITUATION: MIA, baby! They got surf, sun, sand, and a little refugee boy from Cuba.
PAULY D: Elian Gonzalez got sent back, bro. Janet Reno.
ANGELINA: Um, HELLO???!! Are you DUMB?
THE SITUATION: Sorry. Anyway, now that we're all here, what's the first thing we should do?
**everyone looks at each other and nods in agreement**
EVERYONE: EVERGLADES FAN BOAT TOUR!!!!!
On an air boat in the dense bowels of the Florida Everglades...
PAULY D: I'm gonna DJ the shit out of this fan boat. Check this phat beat! **puts on Magic Touch by Bloodhound Gang**
SNOOKI: Actually, Pauly, I'm not certain this music choice is appropriate. There are few mammals in the Everglades. Reptiles and amphibians are more common. Vet tech school.
ANGELINA: Um, HELLO??!!! Are you STUPID?
PAULY D: Sorry.
THE SITUATION: Dude, that snowy egret is the hottest bird I've ever seen. I want to get it drunk on Prosecco.
SNOOKI: The snowy egret much prefers the coastal wetlands for its breeding habitats.
THE SITUATION: Whatever. I didn't want it that much anyway. There are plenty of other birds I'd rather get with.
PAULY D: Alright, alright, DJ Pauly D on the ones and twos. Party people in da house! **puts on Snake by R. Kelly**
SNOOKI: Admirable second try, but not very sensitive to the local Burmese python problem. They've recently been eating everything in sight and hurting the ecosystem.
ANGELINA: Um, HELLO??!! Are you CHALLENGED?
PAULY D: Sorry.
THE SITUATION: Is Vinnie gonna help me creep on these fine animals, or what?
PAULY D: He's on the phone with his mom.
VINNIE: **on the phone** I found a pair of briefs with a stain still in it. Ew, not that kind of stain. The other kind. I thought you took care of it before I left. No, it's ok. Don't cry. Please.
THE SITUATION: Fine, I'll work solo. I'm gonna buy that sexy crocodile tickets to a Heat game.
SNOOKI: Actually, Mike, that's an American alligator, and its size indicates that it's a male.
ANGELINA: Um, HELLO???!! Do you ride the SHORT BUS?
THE SITUATION: Pshaw, I don't care. That gator thinks it's all that, but I've already moved on.
J-WOWW: Ugh, Ronnie and Sammy are fighting again. I'm a peaceful person, who likes peace and breasts. So annoying.
RONNIE: **to Sammy** Honestly, bro.
SAMMI: But I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
RONNIE: Honestly, bro.
SAMMI: But I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
RONNIE: Honestly, bro.
PAULY D: They're vicious!
SNOOKI: Not nearly as vicious as the red-shouldered hawk. They'll often use their talons -
PAULY D: Shhh, Snickers, do this shot of SoCo.
SNOOKI: K.
PAULY D: Hey, what's that snakey thing? Snooks, do you know?
SNOOKI: Me like tan, bwaaaaaaah. Pouf pouf.
PAULY D: No, seriously, what is it?
SNOOKI: Bwaaaaaaah.... juicy juice face.
PAULY D: Why ain't she talkin' about animals no more?
THE SITUATION: SoCo, man. Snooks turns into Corky from Life Goes On with one shot.
SNOOKI: Me ANGRY Corky! **pushes everyone off the boat** Bwaaaaaaah....
The entire Jersey Shore cast is unceremoniously devoured by a lone Florida panther, except for Snooki, who quietly weeps on the air boat...
SNOOKI: Corky lonely.
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