Caroline Manzo copes with her son's failure by getting a Susan Powter makeover.
Scene I
In the Manzo's kitchen...
ALBIE MANZO: Ma! Dad! A letter came from law school!
CAROLINE MANZO: Woo hoo! Read it to us, sweetie.
ALBIE: Uh... maybe Dad should read it. My learning disability and all.
ALBERT MANZO: Sure, son. My letter opener's still bloody from my run-in with Nick the Greek, so let's have Ma put her manicure to use.
CAROLINE: Here we go. This is so exciting.
ALBERT: **clears throat**
Dear Stupid Pants,
You are not qualified to study law here at Seton Hall, which barely made the top 100 in the law school rankings, or any other law school, for that matter. Your talents are better suited for busboy at the brownstone. On second thought, you don't really have any talents, and should seriously consider killing yourself.
Love,
The Dean of Law.
ALBIE: So what does this all mean? Am I getting back in?
CAROLINE: Oh, Albie. I'm so sorry.
ALBIE: Huh? That letter sounded pretty positive to me.
ALBERT: Son, your dyslexia might be worse than we thought. Maybe you should try washing dishes at the Brownstone.
CAROLINE: Nah, Albert, that requires coordination and speed. Maybe cleaning urinals would be better.
ALBERT: Hmm, we pride ourselves on clean urinals. He can lick envelopes in the office.
CAROLINE: Albie, sweetie, how would you like to be a big boy and help Mommy lick stickies?
ALBIE: Yaaaaaay! Lick stickies!
ALBERT: Where did we go wrong, Caroline?
CAROLINE: At least we still got Christopher.
ALBERT: If you need me, I'll be in the garage with the exhaust running.
Scene II
In a North Jersey dojo...
JOE GIUDICE: Thatta boy, Milania, kick Gia in the nuts!
TKD INSTRUCTOR: That's not really how we do things here, Mr. Giudice.
JOE: That's enough outta you, Jackie Chan. Gabriella, show Milania you're not a pussy! Karate chop her wiener off!
TKD INSTRUCTOR: This is Taekwondo, not karate, Mr. Giudice.
JOE: If I wanted your advice, Jet Li, I'd ask for it. Gia, show your brother who's boss!
TKD INSTRUCTOR: Brother?
JOE: Shut up, Bruce Lee.
TERESA GIUDICE: (enters the dojo) It was a rough afternoon at Posche. Kim G. tried to break my foot with her walker.
TKD INSTRUCTOR: Mrs. Giudice, can I talk to you in private?
TERESA: Uh uh, we Giudices don't do anything in private. Not even bathroom things.
TKD INSTRUCTOR: Fantastic. Um, I think your husband should stop coming to Tae Kwon Do class. He's extremely violent, and treats your daughters like boys.
TERESA: So? I let him think they ARE boys, so I don't have to have another baby.
TKD INSTRUCTOR: I see. Another thing, he keeps calling me the names of famous Asians. Once, he referred to me as Ken Watanabe. He's not even a martial artist.
TERESA: Big deal. You people are so sensitive.
TKD INSTRUCTOR: You people?
TERESA: Yeah. People from Wayne. So freakin' touchy.
TKD INSTRUCTOR: I'd like to recommend another studio for your family. Perhaps one in Texas.
JOE: You tryin' to get rid of us, John Cho? I'll have my boys here kick the shit out of you.
TKD INSTRUCTOR: No, I just think your, uh, sons could benefit from a variety of instructors.
JOE: Not a chance. See you next week, Ming Na.
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