Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 1 - "Water Under the Table"

Scene I

DANIELLE: Hey Fadduh. I gotta problem and I need ya help.

FATHER RICHARD: What is it, my child?

DANIELLE: These bitches called me a fuckin' whorah!

FATHER RICHARD: Perhaps in the house of God you could, um, paraphrase?

DANIELLE: And that's not all! One of 'em said I've been engaged 19 times. I mean, it's true, but, that ain't a sin, is it Fadduh?

FATHER RICHARD: I suppose not, as long as you remained pure.

DANIELLE: Pure? HAHAHAHAHA! Fadduh, you're a trip! With all of 'em, we would fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck -

FATHER RICHARD: If you'll excuse me, I've got to take a shower.

DANIELLE: Can I come?



Scene II

JACQUELINE: I know what 29-year-old men are looking for with my daughter.

DERRICK: Actually, I'm 22.

CHRIS: Where you workin', Derrick?

DERRICK: Blockbuster video.

CHRIS: Video tapes? That's a pretty hip industry for a 35-year-old.

DERRICK: I'm, uh, just 22.

JACQUELINE: When you have sex with my daughter, I hope you're using a condom. Back when you were young, they only had lambskin, but nowadays -

DERRICK: I'm familiar with latex, because I'm only, you know, 22.

CHRIS: Ashley is 18. You're old enough to be her father. What are you, 43?

JACQUELINE: Didn't we go to high school together?

ASHLEY: Mom, Step-Dad, if I want to date a 61-year-old, that's my prerogative.

DERRICK: Fuck this shit. I should have sexted Ally Zarin instead.



Scene III

CAROLINE: I know you just gave birth two days ago, but show up to my sheriff fundraiser or end up at the bottom of the East River.

JACQUELINE: But I'm still so doughy and bloated.

CAROLINE: Perfect. I gotta tell Albert he can leave the weights in the basement.

JACQUELINE: This is extortion! You won't get away with this!

CAROLINE: Apparently, you missed the part where I invited you to my sheriff fundraiser. Where I give money directly to the police department. Dumbass.



Scene IV:

TERESA: Gia, honey, I want you to grow up and marry a Jewish guy!

GIA: But I hate Jewish people!

JUICY JOE: Thatta girl.

TERESA: What?

JUICY JOE: Nothin'.