Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 4 - Babies, Bubbles and Bubbies

Danny Provenzano teaches us all a lesson about judging a book by its cover.





Scene I

DANIELLE: (to camera) If there's anybody I'd ask to straight-up murder Caroline Manzo, it's this dude I met at the old Shell station in Paramus. I mean, look at this guy. Did he just climb out of solitary at Rikers, or what? Chocolate scone, anybody?



DANIELLE: Danny, I'm hoping you'll accompany me to the Baby Alzheimer's Fundraiser at The Brownstone.

DANNY: I wouldn't miss it for all the tea in China. The thought of little babies forgetting where they put their car keys is just heartbreaking.

DANIELLE: I just really need a "friend" to show up with me in case things get out of hand with the Manzos.

DANNY: A friend? Well, sure! Maybe we could see Iron Man 2 afterward...

DANIELLE: No, I mean a "friend"... in case things get out of hand with the Manzos. Hint. Hint.

DANNY: You worried about the ham game? Aw, c'mon Danielle, they'd know better than to do it at the baby Alzheimer's event. That's serious stuff!

DANIELLE: I'm not sure you're picking up what I'm putting down. Didn't you spend time in the clink?

DANNY: The wha?

DANIELLE: Hoosegow?

DANNY: Huh?

DANIELLE: The slammer, Danny, jail! Prison!

DANNY: Oooooooh... My Taiwanese roommate sophomore year at Chapel Hill vandalized our dorm bathroom after too much Boone's Farm, but I took the fall because I didn't want him to get deported. Please don't spread it around Franklin Lakes.

DANIELLE: What about all your wild prison tats?

DANNY: What, these? Finger paints. My nephew and I were working on a Dora mural. Gosh, I hope he doesn't come down with baby Alzheimers.

DANIELLE: I think I've made a huge mistake.

DANNY: So what time should I pick you up before The Brownstone? Its been awhile since I've gotten dressed up. Maybe I'll stop by the Chateau for a trim...

DANIELLE: You know what? Let's reschedule our friend outing. You're not quite what I'm looking for.

DANNY: Oh. Gee, Danielle, I'm sorry. Well, here's a check for fifty grand. Can you make sure the babies with Alzheimers get it? I hope you have a great time.


Scene II

CHRISTOPHER: Hey, Mom, welcome to my car wash!

CAROLINE: I'm so proud of your entrepreneurial spirit. I really thought Albie would be the only one to make something of himself, but look at you!

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah! Come meet "the entertainment", wink wink.

CAROLINE: Wow, I must say, "the entertainment" are all really beautiful, but I gotta ask you... What's with the penises?

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, they're chicks with dicks! I guarantee we're the only car wash in America where trans prostitutes will wipe down your Lexus with an ergonomic sponge attached to their wieners!

CAROLINE: Um, that's really something.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey Alex! Don't forget about the tailpipe! Isn't this great, Ma?

CAROLINE: Um, yes. Really great. How do you feel about maybe changing your last name? Torelli is so much cooler than Manzo...

CHRISTOPHER: Check this out. Frankie can pull back his junk to make it look like a mangina! That's sure to bring in the dirty Hummers off the turnpike!

CAROLINE: Wow. Chrissy? I've, uh, got to go help Albie study for his law finals. Because he's in law school. At Fordham. And gonna make a lot of money in a respectable field. And make the Manzo family really proud.

CHRISTOPHER: Alright, thanks for coming. Tell Albie I'll give him a ten percent discount and throw in Pat-slash-Patricia for five free minutes!

CAROLINE: Sure, sure. Well, I better duck out before anyone sees us talking and can tell we're related.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, and mom?

CAROLINE: What?

CHRISTOPHER: I love you.

CAROLINE: Uh huh. Can you maybe stop calling me Mom? Caroline works just fine.

The Hills Episode 4 - "This is Goodbye"

Ken Seeley, Lead Interventionist on A&E's Intervention

KEN SEELEY: On this week's very special episode of Intervention, Aunt Becky discusses becoming a woman with DJ, and Danny tells Joey that it's time to start cleaning up his pube trimmings instead of just leaving them all over the sink. JUST KIDDING! We're here to make sure Heidi and Spencer from MTV's The Hills know that everyone thinks they're cray-cray.

SPENCER: On behalf of MTV, I'd like to thank you, Ken Seeley, and A&E, for allowing this little bit of cable cross-promotion to be possible.

KEN SEELEY: And on behalf of the world, I'd like to thank MTV for essentially creating one of the most dysfunctional relationships of all time.

SPENCER: I'll pass that on, thanks.

KEN SEELEY: Let's all read our letters to Heidi and issue ultimatums.

HOLLY: Dear Heidi. I saw you come out of our mom's vagina, and it was really beautiful. I'm not saying our mom's vagina itself was beautiful, but the whole act of you coming out of there, with all the placenta and pieces of... well - you get the gist.

SPENCER: Cut to the chase, wino.

HOLLY: YOU cut to the chase, before I kick your punk-ass-pussy-ass-bitch-ass all over town until you shut up once and for all!

KEN SEELEY: Ok, ok. That was really great, Holly. Full of emotion. Let's move on. Audrina?

AUDRINA: Dear Heidi. Ever since you married Spencer, you've had a vacant look in your eyes. It scares me.

KEN SEELEY: I'm going to go ahead and interject here - I don't want to encourage pots to call the kettles black. Next!

LO: Dear Heidi. As the show's lone voice of reason, I've already identified this situation as a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome, a phenomenon in which victims of trauma or kidnapping sympathize with their captors.

KEN SEELEY: YES! You go, show's lone voice of reason!

LO: But then, I used one of Spencer's Protection Crystals and rubbed it over every crevice of my body after an intense exfoliating treatment. I was then transported to a cabbage patch in Macedonia, where each cabbage plant bore the face of Ms. Shirley from What's Happening, and each Shirley took me to her bosom and allowed me to rest my head there for three minutes before moving on to the next bosom. I now know the true power of the crystals.

KEN SEELEY: Aaaaaaaaand lone voice of reason card rescinded.

SPENCER: Are we done here? I've got to get my wife back to our condo, where she'll do what I call "The Three P's" - write poetry, pray, and pet puppies.

KEN SEELEY: That's kind of four P's actually. 'Cause petting puppies is two.

SPENCER: You motherfucking former meth-head, I'm going to kill you! (attacks Ken Seeley with a Peace Crystal).

HEIDI: Hi, um, Spencer, honey? Maybe consider the possibly of not hitting Ken Seeley over the head with a Peace Crystal?

SPENCER: One more word out of you and your internet and tv privileges will be revoked for another three weeks. Don't fuck with me.

HEIDI: Sorry, sweetie bear.

The Hills Episode 3 - The Elephant in the Room

Image of a young child who's been visiting Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon a little too regularly.

Scene I



Enzo's Birthday Party

HEIDI: Boys and girls, may I please present.... AN ELEPHANT!

CHILDREN: Yaaaaaaay!

BRODY: Dude, why is that elephant slowly caressing Enzo's backside with his trunk?

HEIDI: Brody, this is a children's party! Please behave appropriately.

BRODY: Fine. But now its trunk is pushing its way down another kid's shorts. Just sayin'.

HEIDI: Ahem. Everybody, we're having another special surprise... Mr. Wiggles the clown!

MR. WIGGLES: Hyuk! Hiya kiddos! Who likes balloon figures?

CHILDREN: We do! We do!

MR. WIGGLES: Well, alright! Here ya go!!!! (He shapes a purple balloon into an angry-looking penis.) This is for you, birthday boy!

BRODY: Does anybody find making a penis balloon at a seven-year-old's party weird? Anybody?

FRANKIE: Broseph, you know I usually got your back, but you're kind of acting like a pervert.

RYAN CABRERA: Seriously, man. That's why Audrina chose me. I'm into puppies and dewdrops and sunshine without a hint of irony.

BRODRY: Go back to Ashlee Simpson. Oh wait - she wouldn't take you back because she's hot now.

HEIDI: And for the grand finale, the most specialist gift a kid could want... A priest!

BRODY: What the fuck? Heidi, are you for real!?

HEIDI: Yes, you anti-catholic bigot! A child deserves a blessing from a holy man on such a blessed day. Look, he's such a good priest that he's taken two additional boys to the basement to bless them. And it's not even their birthdays!

FRANKIE: Brody, chill. El padre es un hombre bueno.

BRODY: This is sick. And not sick in the way suburban kids describe their pimped out Scions.

FBI AGENT: Heidi Montag?

HEIDI: Right here!

FBI AGENT: No, we're looking for Heidi Montag. The cute fresh-faced blonde with little boobs.

HEIDI: That's me.

FBI AGENT: Whatever. We're here to investigate the hiring of a pedophilia-focused party service.

HEIDI: W-what? I don't know what you're talking about.

FBI AGENT: The advertisement called "Pedophilia-Focused Party Service" on Craiglist should have tipped you off. (He handcuffs Heidi.)

HEIDI: Owwww! Surgery cuff, please! Be gentle!

BRODY: Ah, the sweet satisfaction of being right.

RYAN CABRERA: You wanted to be right about people touching kids? Real cool, broski. (Everybody leaves.)

BRODY: That's it. I'm following Kourtney and Khloe to Miami.

RANDOM KID: And baby Mason.

BRODY: And baby Mason.

RANDOM KID: And Scott Disick.

BRODY: ENOUGH!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 2 - "Generation Vexed"

Scene I
VITO: You know that ditty by Trey Songz? I hope Lauren's neighbors know my name. Yeah.

ALBIE: Gross, man! That's my baby sister! And P.S., this is the suburbs. Our closest neighbors are half a mile away.

VITO: You know that Ludacris song? I wonder how low your sister can go.

ALBIE: Dude, stop! But my sister has a knee problem from a high school shot-put injury, so probably not very low.

VITO: Well, you know that Soulja Boy Tell 'Em tune? I'm gonna super man that 'ho.

ALBIE: Bro, disgusting! We came from the same womb! And besides,
Lauren hates Soulja Boy Tell 'Em. Something he wrote on Twitter upset her.

LAUREN: Hey, it's my two favorite men in the world! I'm back from doing makeup at the Brownstone. Mary Angela loved her sweeping eye... I used Loreal Voluminous Mascara in Carbon Black.

ALBIE: Sis, Vito said he wants to superman you while you get low and yell out his name. This guy's a pig!

LAUREN: Albie, Vito is a true old-world style Italian gentleman. You should know by now that I'm not a baby!

VITO: Yeah, Albie. She's growned. (whispers to Lauren) Gurl, I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig while I ride that thang, you gots the purdiest mouth, uh huh. French fried potaters.

LAUREN: Tee hee! See, Albie? True love. Jealous?


Scene II

DANIELLE: Christine, guess what? Gilles Bensimon, the most famous photographer to ever be married to a cast member from The Real Housewives of New York, wants to photograph you!

CHRISTINE: I guess that'd be cool, Mom. If you want me to.

DANIELLE: I really do. I need a reason to invite strangers from the grocery store to have vodka tonics mid-day. And you're it, sweetheart.

GILLES BENSIMON: Eet iz custoomary for my subjects to spend zee night with moi. Eet iz, how you say, what they do in France.

DANIELLE: Do what the famous photographer says, honey.

CHRISTINE: But Mom, I just want to read Choose Your Own Adventure books in my bedroom.

DANIELLE: Well, you'll just have to read them in his bedroom. Mommy needs a new house.

GILLES BENSIMON: So, young lady, voulez vous cou shay avec moi?

CHRISTINE: Huh?

DANIELLE: Yes, yes she will voulez cou shay with you. When the cover of a magazine dedicated to reality TV is at stake, she will make like Patti Labelle and hey sister go sister!

CHRISTINE: Mom, can I have some Saltines? I'm hungry and scared.

DANIELLE: It's Diet Coke and cigarettes from here on out, babe. Now go with the nice picture man.

The Hills Episode 2 - "Rumor Has It"

Scene I

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my Freaks Who Have Overstayed Their Welcome in Young Hollywood Barbecue, everybody. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge. And I'm gonna help myself to the sweet, sweet blow in the master bathroom. Peace!

RYAN CABRERA: Hey, I just stopped by as I was "on the waaaaay doooooown." Remember those lyrics? From my marginally popular 2004 song of the same name? Those hot dogs look great!

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Coleslaw. Vacant stare.

SPENCER: Time for my crystal rub-down, before the tough meat on these ribs stresses me out to the point of a destructive breakdown.

HEIDI: Look, barbecued chicken breasts! I wonder if Dr. Frank Ryan could find a way to stuff these into my chest cavity.

STEPHANIE: **sniff sniff** BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! SPENCER IS SOOOOOO MEEEEEEAAAAN! **sniff** Ooooh, is that three-bean salad?

KRISTIN: Hey, I'm back from my solo drug sesh. Where'd everybody go?

LO: Oh, this alien dude showed up and offered to take them to his planet where they'd all be relevant again.

KRISTIN: Shut up! Seriously?

LO: No. Your kebabs gave everyone the shits and they had to go home.



Scene II

STEPHANIE: I didn't start those rumors about you.

KRISTIN: Sha right.

STEPHANIE: Uh... yes. "Sha" right, if you will. I'm just concerned about your drug problem.

KRISTIN: I do have a problem. PSYCH!

STEPHANIE: Psychological? Now we're getting somewhere! It's often a root cause of addiction.

KRISTIN: Duh hickey.

STEPHANIE: Right, right. Odd sexual encounters, like hickeys, are often a consequence of substance abuse.

KRISTIN: No doi.

STEPHANIE: I think I see what's going on here. Can we have an honest discussion, or are you going to keep responding with sarcastic catch phrases from the 90s?

KRISTIN: Alright, I'll stop.

STEPHANIE: Ok, good.

KRISTIN: NOT!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 1 - "Water Under the Table"

Scene I

DANIELLE: Hey Fadduh. I gotta problem and I need ya help.

FATHER RICHARD: What is it, my child?

DANIELLE: These bitches called me a fuckin' whorah!

FATHER RICHARD: Perhaps in the house of God you could, um, paraphrase?

DANIELLE: And that's not all! One of 'em said I've been engaged 19 times. I mean, it's true, but, that ain't a sin, is it Fadduh?

FATHER RICHARD: I suppose not, as long as you remained pure.

DANIELLE: Pure? HAHAHAHAHA! Fadduh, you're a trip! With all of 'em, we would fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck -

FATHER RICHARD: If you'll excuse me, I've got to take a shower.

DANIELLE: Can I come?



Scene II

JACQUELINE: I know what 29-year-old men are looking for with my daughter.

DERRICK: Actually, I'm 22.

CHRIS: Where you workin', Derrick?

DERRICK: Blockbuster video.

CHRIS: Video tapes? That's a pretty hip industry for a 35-year-old.

DERRICK: I'm, uh, just 22.

JACQUELINE: When you have sex with my daughter, I hope you're using a condom. Back when you were young, they only had lambskin, but nowadays -

DERRICK: I'm familiar with latex, because I'm only, you know, 22.

CHRIS: Ashley is 18. You're old enough to be her father. What are you, 43?

JACQUELINE: Didn't we go to high school together?

ASHLEY: Mom, Step-Dad, if I want to date a 61-year-old, that's my prerogative.

DERRICK: Fuck this shit. I should have sexted Ally Zarin instead.



Scene III

CAROLINE: I know you just gave birth two days ago, but show up to my sheriff fundraiser or end up at the bottom of the East River.

JACQUELINE: But I'm still so doughy and bloated.

CAROLINE: Perfect. I gotta tell Albert he can leave the weights in the basement.

JACQUELINE: This is extortion! You won't get away with this!

CAROLINE: Apparently, you missed the part where I invited you to my sheriff fundraiser. Where I give money directly to the police department. Dumbass.



Scene IV:

TERESA: Gia, honey, I want you to grow up and marry a Jewish guy!

GIA: But I hate Jewish people!

JUICY JOE: Thatta girl.

TERESA: What?

JUICY JOE: Nothin'.