The Hills Season 6 Premiere - "Put on a Happy Face"

Scene I

LO: So have you heard about Heidi's radical reconstructive surgery?

STEPHANIE: No, I've been on a mission trip in Haiti, helping out with the orphans, so I've been a bit cut off.

LO: Really?

STEPHANIE: Nope. Girl looks like shit.

LO: Get this - Her plastic surgeon even gave her a BJ.

STEPHANIE: A BJ?! I've got to get this guy's number!

LO: BJ stands for Butt Job. But now I know that lump in your Citizens isn't really "just the way the zipper lays."



Scene II

JOAN RIVERS: Hey Mom, I'm home!

DARLENE: Who the fuck are you?

JOAN RIVERS: It's me. Your 85 year-old Jewish comedian daughter.

DARLENE: Oh god, the USO is at my house? Has there been an invasion? The Mexicans! I knew it.

HOLLY: Mom, it's Heidi. She inhabited Joan River's body to get a People cover.

JOAN RIVERS: See? Now how 'bout a hug?

DARLENE: Eh, I'd rather not. You smell like formaldehyde-covered matzo balls.

JOAN RIVERS: That's my signature scent, on sale at Macy's for $19.95.



Scene III

STEPHANIE: It's all the warning signs I learned about in AA. Greg says -

LO: Greg?

STEPHANIE: From AA. He ran over a family of four with his Ford Focus after three Cosmos, so he's, like, really wise. He says the best indicators of a substance problem are drinking until late at night in Miami Beach on Superbowl Weekend.

AUDRINA: Um, check, check and check.

KRISTIN: Hello? I can hear you guys. I've been sitting on Steph's lap and stroking her thigh for the past five minutes.

STEPHANIE: Oh, hey! I thought that was just the wind.

LO: I'm sorry for talking about you behind your back, Kristin.

KRISTIN: It's not really behind my back when I'm sitting on Steph's lap, stroking her thigh.

STEPHANIE: Can you maybe stop doing that now?

KRISTIN: Sorry. I'm really high.