Dealing a pilot

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene 1

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Other bartenders who complain about not being able to afford their own deluxe suites at the Palazzo on their bartenders' salary need to pull themselves up by their bartender bootstraps.

KRISTIN - Enough with the politics, Stacie. It's really unhot.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Hey, girls, I was just showering and trying to scrub off my Italia tattoo. Wouldn't you know it, that little bastard isn't budging.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Oh. It's... you. Nothing compliments a Girls' Slutty Weekend Away like a quasi boyfriend.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Chill, alky. I've got something even better in mind.

KRISTIN - Backstage passes at Thunder Down Under?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Guess again.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - VIP room at Pure with both Penn AND Teller?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Nope.

KRISTIN - Well?

JUSTIN BOBBY - I'm going to drag you both with me to a strip club, and then you're going to make out with each other for my viewing pleasure.

KRISTIN - You're the best boyfriend since Lloyd Dobbler. Seriously.


Scene 2

SPENCER - Heidi's refusing to drink the abortifacient cocktail I made her.

CHARLIE - Shocker, especially when there's an "Abortifacient Cocktail" label on it.

SPENCER - She can't read, duh.

CHARLIE - Maybe the picture of the fetus with the red line through it tipped her off.

SPENCER - I can't have a kid. It would try to kill me in my sleep.

CHARLIE - Perhaps it would be a manifestation of the Oedipus Complex, which is a child's unconscious desire for the exclusive love of the parent of the opposite sex. This desire includes jealousy toward the parent of the same sex and the unconscious wish for that parent's death.

SPENCER - Dude... where did you learn this stuff?

CHARLIE - Community college.

SPENCER - I wonder if the baby would have Heidi's old face or her new face...

CHARLIE - Well, just let me know if you need to borrow my Big Book of Baby Names. I keep it next to my Paula Deen Family Cookbook.

SPENCER - Dude... did you know she used to be agoraphobic?

CHARLIE - I'm not an idiot.

The Hills - Episode 6

Scene 1

KRISTIN: This is my "Lunch Sexy Face." Oooooh. Pout. Do me.


Scene 2

THERAPIST: To have or not have kids is something two people should discuss before they jump into marriage.

HEIDI: Who died and made you Frasier?

THERAPIST: I have a Masters in Psychology from UCLA.

HEIDI: Listen, Dr. Phil, MTV paid me fifty grand in hair extensions to have my wedding filmed for millions of people.

THERAPIST: But would you have done it for free?

HEIDI: Of course. It was filmed for millions of people. Are we done here, Newhart?

THERAPIST: Do you have any other fictional psychologists you want to call me as an insult?

HEIDI: Um... ... ...Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting?

THERAPIST: I'll take it. See you next week.


Scene 3

KRISTIN: This is my "Dinner Bitch Face." Grrrrr. Scowl. I'll cut you.


Scene 4

SPENCER: Thanks for making me a pot roast and giving me a BJ under the table while I ate it.

HEIDI: That's what wives do.

SPENCER: FYI, a BJ is the only sexual transaction we're going to have for ten years or so. Your shrink called to warn me about your little plan.

HEIDI: I can't believe Dr. Melfi violated our doctor-patient confidentiality!

SPENCER: You have Tony Soprano's doctor? Gnarly.

HEIDI: Well, we can still do other things that won't get me pregnant. Like, um, cunnilingus?

SPENCER: HAHAHAHAHA! Get real.


Scene 5

KRISTIN: This is my "Drinks Whiny Face." Boooo. Frown. Empathy, please.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: You're getting really good at emoting at meals.

KRISTIN: Drinks isn't a meal! No offense.

STACIE: It's ok. Pass me the Smirnoff. I'm hungry.


Scene 6

STACIE THE BARTENDER: (waking up from a three-day bender) Unnhh.... my... head... it hurts...

KRISTIN: You're not supposed to go on benders until you're actually billed in the opening credits. It takes attention away from the headliners.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: Whaa.... whaatt?

KRISTIN: Give it a few seasons. Anyway, I need to get out of town. Let's set the stage for a great travel caper episode.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: Are we going to get stuck in the Grand Canyon on mules and come across some weird Indian kids who'll bring us to safety?

KRISTIN: That was The Brady Bunch. And they're called Native Americans. You're not supposed to be racist until you get your own spin-off.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Episode 2

Stray Observations:

• Ever see that episode of The Golden Girls, where their crotchety old neighbor lady dies and nobody comes to the funeral because she was such a bitch? Vicki's mother bears a striking resemblance to that woman, except Vicki would come to the funeral because she'll never stop trying to win her mother's unobtainable love.
• I was weirded out by the conversation at dinner between Alexis, Tamra, and their creepy graying husbands. "We're the kind of girls that you have to let make our own decisions, because we need to learn on our own that our choices are bad." Or something to that effect. Isn't this what teenagers say to their parents when they get caught heavy petting in the den? Grown ass women shouldn't have to ask their husbands to loosen the reins. But maybe to them, it's reasonable to trade in some freedom for money and security. Ew.
• Yeah, Simon's a douche. Last week's debacle over teabagging was redonks (like kids really know the alternate meaning of teabags), but I suspect he's come to the realization that his wife is an awful person, and rather than telling her so, he lets his contempt seep out passive-aggressive style.
• I'm starting to think that Tamra's in love with Gretchen, but goes the junior-high route of pulling her hair and talking about vibrators.
• Aw, for a second there, I thought Alexa's fear of her family members' faces changing was genuine, and I felt kinda bad for her. But then I realized she's just afraid that her sister will end up being hotter than her.
• Slade Smiley's penis cover-up did not make me smiley. It made me pukey.

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene I

ENZO: (to someone off camera) Jesus, Mark, I said Marlboro Lights! Who do I have to blow to get the right goddamn cigarettes around here? What is this, amateur hour? And I'll tell you another thing, if there isn't a six pack of Evian in my dressing room after we're done shooting this piece of crap, I'll make sure you never work in this town again. Capice?

DIRECTOR: Enzo, we're rolling.

ENZO: What? We're rolling? God damn it. SPENCEW WENT TO DA DOCTOW! Good enough for you fucks? I'm outta here. I'm meeting Audrey at The Ivy at one.

HEIDI: (holding on to Spencer for dear life) ...Is he gone?

SPENCER: Yes, I think he's gone.

HEIDI: Phew. Honey, I'm sorry I got so mad after I caught you trying to sterilize yourself in the garage with a rusty nail and some bourbon.

SPENCER: Don't be sorry. It's you and me against that terrifying kid. Do you know that he threatened to go Elia Kazan on my ass and tell everyone in Hollywood about how I once got bottle service at Area with Michael Moore? How does he even know who Elia Kazan is? He's only six!

HEIDI: All I know is that he's the devil's spawn, and we've got to protect one another from him. I love you.

SPENCER: I love you, too.