The Hills - Episode 5

Scene I

SPENCER: Why is this weird-ass kid still at our house?

HEIDI: He's coloring, you monster.

SPENCER: Speaking of coloring, I wanted to talk to you about your over-tanned sister and her drinking problem.

HEIDI: Shhhh! You can't say the word "drinking" in front of children. Then they'll repeat it all over town and get kicked out of Montessori.

ENZO: Drinking! Drinking!

HEIDI: Great. Now he's going to start impregnating IHOP waitresses and popping Quaaludes. Don't you know anything?


Scene II

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my classy Malibu party, everyone! Let me just finish pouring this tub of Old El Paso from Costco into an aluminum basin. Then we can bob for cilantro!

HOLLY: (dancing like a robot) Woooo! Cilantro!

STEPHANIE: There Holly goes again, having alcohol at parties and doing dorky dances. Somebody get Ken Sealy from A & E on the phone- we've got a new subject for Intervention.

STACIE: I don't like these flyover state girls coming up in here and refusing to take themselves seriously.

STEPHANIE: Me neither, Stacie the Bartender. It's so... Midwest. But I'll talk to my sister-in-law. If there's one thing Heidi's good at, it's making sure that the people in her life never have fun ever again.

STACIE: And I'll just keep looking like I have a perpetual hangover.

STEPHANIE: Deal!


Scene III

JAYDE: Brody, I can't stand the way you act when you're oot and aboot, eh?

BRODY: Whatever! Whatever! I'll do what I want!

JAYDE: I just feel like we're growing kilometres and kilometres apart. I take offence from your behaviour.

BRODY: You and your socialized medicine and twelve football players can go watch Strange Brew. Without me. Because I'm oota here.

JAYDE: (sobbing) You just had to go there. Didn't you?


Scene IV

HEIDI: So, Holly, I hear you were doing dorky dances at Kristin's Malibu party.

HOLLY: I figured it was cool to let loose a little, especially after we ate salsa out of an aluminum basin.

HEIDI: Sis, this ain't no disco. This is LA. And you've got to act like you've got cameras on you 24-7. It's why I leave my underwear on when I take a shit.

STEPHANIE: Really? How do you swing that?

HEIDI: I just pull them to the side.

STEPHANIE: Genius.

HEIDI: Anyway, Holly. You've got a major drinking problem. Like, Hasselhoff-eating-Wendy's-off-the-floor drinking problem.

HOLLY: No, I don't! I can quit anytime I want!

STEPHANIE: You can't bullshit me, Holls. You know my history. And my future. Like when I get a DUI a month after the filming of this scene.