The Ruins - Reversal of Fortune

COHUTTA: I might be from Georgia and play the banjo, but you look a hell of a lot more like the retarded kid from Deliverance than I do.

WES: I'll take that as a compliment.

COHUTTA: Um... ok.

WES: You know what else I take as a compliment?

COHUTTA: That MTV thought its viewers would be so revolted by your armpit hair that they blurred it out?

WES: Yes. You know what they say - any publicity that makes you look hairy and retarded is not bad publicity.

COHUTTA: I don't think anybody says that.

WES: Shut up.

The Hills - Episode 5

Scene I

SPENCER: Why is this weird-ass kid still at our house?

HEIDI: He's coloring, you monster.

SPENCER: Speaking of coloring, I wanted to talk to you about your over-tanned sister and her drinking problem.

HEIDI: Shhhh! You can't say the word "drinking" in front of children. Then they'll repeat it all over town and get kicked out of Montessori.

ENZO: Drinking! Drinking!

HEIDI: Great. Now he's going to start impregnating IHOP waitresses and popping Quaaludes. Don't you know anything?


Scene II

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my classy Malibu party, everyone! Let me just finish pouring this tub of Old El Paso from Costco into an aluminum basin. Then we can bob for cilantro!

HOLLY: (dancing like a robot) Woooo! Cilantro!

STEPHANIE: There Holly goes again, having alcohol at parties and doing dorky dances. Somebody get Ken Sealy from A & E on the phone- we've got a new subject for Intervention.

STACIE: I don't like these flyover state girls coming up in here and refusing to take themselves seriously.

STEPHANIE: Me neither, Stacie the Bartender. It's so... Midwest. But I'll talk to my sister-in-law. If there's one thing Heidi's good at, it's making sure that the people in her life never have fun ever again.

STACIE: And I'll just keep looking like I have a perpetual hangover.

STEPHANIE: Deal!


Scene III

JAYDE: Brody, I can't stand the way you act when you're oot and aboot, eh?

BRODY: Whatever! Whatever! I'll do what I want!

JAYDE: I just feel like we're growing kilometres and kilometres apart. I take offence from your behaviour.

BRODY: You and your socialized medicine and twelve football players can go watch Strange Brew. Without me. Because I'm oota here.

JAYDE: (sobbing) You just had to go there. Didn't you?


Scene IV

HEIDI: So, Holly, I hear you were doing dorky dances at Kristin's Malibu party.

HOLLY: I figured it was cool to let loose a little, especially after we ate salsa out of an aluminum basin.

HEIDI: Sis, this ain't no disco. This is LA. And you've got to act like you've got cameras on you 24-7. It's why I leave my underwear on when I take a shit.

STEPHANIE: Really? How do you swing that?

HEIDI: I just pull them to the side.

STEPHANIE: Genius.

HEIDI: Anyway, Holly. You've got a major drinking problem. Like, Hasselhoff-eating-Wendy's-off-the-floor drinking problem.

HOLLY: No, I don't! I can quit anytime I want!

STEPHANIE: You can't bullshit me, Holls. You know my history. And my future. Like when I get a DUI a month after the filming of this scene.

The Ruins - Girls Gone Wild

Scene I

TONYA: I cannot believe you just brought up the time you brought up the topic of me masturbating in a room full of people!

VERONICA: That's right! I brought up bringing it up, and I'd bring up bringing it up again!

TONYA: (lurching at Veronica) I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE COULD HEAR!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (kills Veronica).



Scene II

KENNY: So did you love her? The way you love me?

EVAN: Silly boy. That's not even possible. You know that.

KENNY: Let's hold each other in the dark and discuss our plan to destroy all womankind.

EVAN: Can we hold each other... (reaching around) .... here?

KENNY: Oh, please, my sweet. All night long.



Scene III

NEVAEH, KATIE'S FUTURE DAUGHTER: So what happened then, momma? After you found the plunjy in your bed?

KATIE: (chuckling softly) Oh, my little angel. It's pronounced plunger. I've never been as demoralized and broken down as I was at that moment. You haven't experienced humiliation until you've found a plunger in your bed. I pray that such a fate never befalls you.

NEVAEH: And so then you left the challenge, to be a wife and mom?

KATIE: I always knew I wanted you, Heaven spelled backwards. But there are some things a woman's got to do before she moves on. And so I took that device used to release stoppages in toilets, and I swung it. I swung it with all my might in the general direction of the boys that I suspected of placing it where I lay.

NEVAEH: Momma? You're my hero.

KATIE: (stroking Nevaeh's sweat-matted hair) Shhhh.... shhhh....

The Hills - Episode 4

Scene I

STEPHANIE: (to intercom) Can you lower the drawbridge so I can cross the moat?

AUDRINA: (to intercom) Sure, just tell Igor the password and he'll let you in.

STEPHANIE: (inside) Hey 'Dreen! Digging the magical fortress.

AUDRINA: Thanks! So if you don't mind, I'll need a sympathetic ear to dump all my so-called "problems" on for the next hour.

STEPHANIE: I don't mind. The American public seems wholly uninterested in my personal exploits, even when I get a DUI. Does a girl need to decapitate an elderly homeless man to get on the cover of Life & Style nowadays?

AUDRINA: Did you say something?

STEPHANIE: No. Go on.



Scene II

DENNIS (KRISTIN'S DAD): Things have really been looking up since I moved into LC's parents' old house and I married a woman who looks exactly like my daughter. How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. I'm dating a new guy now. He rides a motorcycle, has an Italia tattoo, and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. But this new guy, he used to have really bad manners and burp all the time, but now he even showers regularly and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: I told you, he's good!

DENNIS: God, I want to fuck Brody. So hard.

KRISTIN: Dad, you are SUCH a dork.



Scene III

HEIDI: Oh no. Look at Holly. She's drinking. At an art gallery. In front of Tom Green. This is her rock bottom.

SPENCER: The Tom Green part alone would be anybody's rock bottom.

HEIDI: Maybe we should stage an intervention at a Mexican restaurant in front of television cameras.

SPENCER: Well, you know how I feel. All of life's critical moments are best conducted in front of television cameras.

HEIDI: Just be sure to wear your cowboy hat. Daddy issues.



Scene IV

AUDRINA: I miss your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: It's time for other people to take a ride on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: But I want to be the one on your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: There's room for three on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: So you're going to attach one of those sidecars? I've always wanted to ride in one of those since I saw that Indiana Jones movie...

JUSTIN: I guess they didn't cover metaphors at that community college you went to.

The Ruins - The Road to Ruins

Scene I
WES: I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

SUSIE: You're full of shit.

WES: It's true. I have no intention of giving the money I win on this show to charity. But I had Evan fooled.

EVAN: Veronica's boobs. Veronica's boobs.


Scene II

SYRUS: Remember when Montana gave wine to some kids, and Sean had hives all over his body, and Genesis and Kameelah and Jason had a threesome? It was nuts, man! Nuts!

DARRELL: Sorry. I wasn't born yet.

SYRUS: Get off my lawn.

The Hills - Episode 3

Scene I

JUSTIN BOBBY: Check out my new stomach tat, babe.

KRISTIN: Can't. I'm looking at my reflection in my beach house's huge windows.

JUSTINO BOBBIA: It says "Italy". In Italian. 'Cause my grandma did it with a guy who lived there once.

KRISTIN: Uh huh.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Want to frolic in the waves with me?

KRISTIN: (to a producer) Seriously, let's up the ante to fifty grand per second his greasy flesh touches mine. Or I walk.



Scene II

STACY THE BARTENDER: Do you ever think it's weird that we're friends?

KRISTIN: Yeah. I mean, you have brown hair. Gross.

STACY THE BARTENDER: But it's more weird because I used to be a strange bartender at a strange bar who almost destroyed the Speidi empire, and within months, we're besties and I'm living in your fabulous beach house with huge windows.

KRISTIN: I'm not too choosy about who I let into my life. Or my vagina, for that matter. Remember Talan?

PRODUCER: We actually gave you a Juicy track suit every time he touched you on Laguna.

KRISTIN: Shit, I forgot. Stacy The Bartender, let's just say we'll both be compensated well for our makeshift friendship. Me better than you, of course. That whole brown hair thing.



Scene III

STEPHANIE PRATT: Duuuuuuude.... looooooook..... aaaaat...... myyyyyyy.... naaaaiiiilllls....

AUDRINA: Uggggghhhhhhh.....

STEPHANIE PRATT: Yooooouuuuu.... soooooooo.... stiiiilllll..... heeaaart..... Juuuuuuustin....

AUDRINA: Yeeeeaaaaaaah.....

MANICURIST: I just came to this country, and I have a better grasp of the language than you two idiots.

STEPHANIE PRATT: OoooMmmmmGggg.... It's sooooooooo truuuuuuuue.



Scene IV

BRODY: A surprise party! With a slip n' slide! This is so great! Well.... gotta go!

JAYDE: B-but, I worked so hard to put together this party for you. I even made a quiche!

BRODY: Right. But my ex-girlfriend from four years ago bought me sex gifts. Soooo... I'm going to go to her beach house. She's got these huge ass windows.



Scene V

SPENCER: Damn it, here comes that weird actor kid again.

STICKY C OR WHATEVER: Did you IMDB him?

SPENCER: Doiy. He was in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.

STICKY C: Oh yeah! I knew I knew him from somewhere. So is your wife still poking holes in your condoms?

SPENCER: You'd know if the watched The View last week. I don't get it, dude. Most girls want to keep their tight, sexy bodies (editor's note: vaginas) as long as possible.

STICKY C: Tough break. How long should we leave that kid out in the tall grass for?

SPENCER: Until we hear the coyotes howling. Then I'll send Heidi to look for him.

The Ruins - Booby Trap

• This episode was an effective anti-breast augmentation PSA. If just falling into water chest first can pop a 'plant, why on earth would anyone buy them? Good thing Shauvon's accident happened in Thailand, where male-to-female sexual reassignment surgery is popular. Probably cheaper there.

• Johnny did not have a Jersey accent on Key West. That shit, as Simon Cowell would say, is affected.
  

• I'm surprised to hear that Johanna and Wes purchased a house together. A rule I live by: never buy property with someone who you might eventually compete against on a Road Rules/Real World Challenge.

• People who put down reality TV as a form of entertainment should watch Evelyn kicking things over and sobbing into her hands on repeat.

• Kellyanne regards Evelyn as a best friend she can tell her secrets to, but Eveyln wants Kellyanne to show her secret to her. **that was poorly worded, but I think you see what I mean. Evelyn wants to have sex with her best friend, like that chick from the Brady Bunch movie who shared a bed with Marcia at a sleepover.

• Kellyanne's peace sign headband. That's all.
  

The Hills - Episode 2

Scene I

STEPHANIE: Whoa. Half my nose is missing. What the ef?

AUDRINA: Vacant stare.

STEPHANIE: Yeah, I agree. Hey, want to come with me to a club opening this weekend? I'm single, and only single people leave the house at night.

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Girl code.

STEPHANIE: Boo, you whore. You and your highlights have fun at your Sixpence None The Richer show.



Scene II

KRISTIN: This outdoor cafe has much better salad than that other outdoor cafe we were eating at on last week's episode.

LO: Just wait until you try next week's outdoor cafe's salad.

KRISTIN: K.



Scene III

HEIDI: Spencer, there are some things that married people just DO. Like have babies. And be Christian. And stop drinking tequila. And make friends with fake neighbors and their fake nephew.

SPENCE: All those things fucking suck. For once, people will wonder why I married you.

HEIDI: Am I dreaming?



Scene IV

KRISTIN: I'm glad the show made you shave. It was one of the conditions I gave the producers for pretending to be interested in you.

JUSTIN BOBBY: My only condition for being interested in you was that they make sure Audrina stops standing in the parking lot outside my condo and vacant staring up at it.

KRISTIN: And did they deliver?

JUSTIN BOBBY: (pulls back the shade of his window and peers out) Nope.



Scene V

BRODY: Whoa, check out Justin Bobby and Kristin making out at the opening of this really hot club, which the owners managed to get featured on our show by giving sexual favors to MTV executives. Her slight decline in attractiveness since the days at Laguna sure hasn't hurt her much!

JAYDE: If my face could move, you'd see my expression of shock and awe.

FRANKIE: I wish Lo was here so I could check out her Britney again.

BRODY: Britney Canada Whore?

JAYDE: WHO?? Ow, trying to work against the botulism between my brows with a genuine look of jealousy HURTS.



Scene VI

JUSTIN BOBBY: Sorry it's taking us so long to get to the seafood restaurant, babe. I can barely see over the handlebars of my hog.

KRISTIN: It's cool. More time outside = more people to check out my white jean shorts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I love you.

KRISTIN: (a producer whispers in her ear) Um, I love you, too.

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Better Tardy Than Never

Kandi is the real deal Holyfield. She had a gold Whitney Houston record-thingy stolen from her house, and then had it replaced like it ain't no thang. She's friends with Jazzy Pha. She has pretty blonde highlights.

So, it was genius on Kim's part to have a joint birthday party with Kandi. Would all of those people have shown up just for Kim's eighth 29th birthday? Yeah, no. So girlfriend had a bunch of bigwigs (get it?) from the industry there to listen to the debut of Tardy for the Party. Is it possible to be an idiot and brilliant at the same time?

So Kim is engaged. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of Big Papa/Poppa's assistants passed the ring on to Kim, and she assumed that it symbolized a proposal. Which is ludicrous, because he's already, you know, married.

Speaking of Tardy for the Party, this studio session was more cringe-worthy than the last, if you discount the Yearning for Zion pink dress from the earlier episode. I loved when the producer said "just get the beat right, don't worry about the pitch. I'll make you sound good." Making it painfully clear that she can't sound good on her own.


Lisa and Ed? Snoooooooooze. Their interview shtick was so staged and fakey.

She by Sheree? Even Dwight's "expertise" isn't going to save the poor man's Charlotte Ruse. And that's really poor.

Nene? Over it.

The Ruins - Wes Side Story

Wes is like a ginger, man-boobless version of Jon Gosselin. He gets more poon than he knows what to do with, and nobody is entirely sure why. I mean, I guess he's hot, if you were into that kid from Picket Fences.

Not that Kelly Anne has the highest standards, seeing as her last relationship was with a magical tree nymph. I can't really hate on "Purdy Mouth" Cohutta, though. Dude is kind of rad, with all of his Jeff Foxworthy-esque jokes about life in the country.

Ugh, Johnny Bananas is here. Just catching a glimpses of him on screen makes my arms hover protectively over my crotch. Don't do it, Ibis (chick I foresee being wooed by his fake Jersey accent). Just don't.

I'm glad to see Veronica back on the scene, mostly because she might be the only female older than me on the show that's still getting attention from the men-folk. Makes me feel good about aging and being short. Tonya is definitely older than me, but will not be getting positive attention from anybody ever again. I respect that she's willing to cop to being mentally unstable, but that still doesn't change the fact that she's mentally unstable. She will cut a bitch who makes fun of the name of her hometown.

Kenny and Evan are annoying assholes, but hot annoying assholes. I feel the same way about them that most men feel about Megan Fox.

Peace out, Chet and Diem. I'd like to say that I'll miss you, but y'all are boring, Christian, and bad dressers.