The Bachelor - Episode 4

Nikki doesn't know what she could have done to make Jason keep her. She couldn't have been any smarter, or any prettier, says she.

This indicates an incredible lack of self-awareness. The camera shows her spending ample time on her appearance before her big threesome date, and even straightening her hair. How in the hell could she NOT shave those damn sideburns? What other strange idiosyncrasies does she have going on that she is completely unaware of? Does she have a giant wiener that she just brushes off to the side when getting intimate with a man?

I have no doubt that the 'burns are the reason Jason chose Stephanie over Nikki. True, Nikki has desperation seeping out her pores, but Jason seems to find insecurity appealing. Stephanie, who looks like she's had a touch o' the 'tox between her eyebrows, struggles in taking things to the next level with Jason. He wanted her to make a grand gesture, like a beej under the dinner table, but she never really assured him that she's capable of sexy time (although I guess her child is proof that she is indeed capable of it, at least once). He's def attracted to Nikki, but like us viewers, he can't ignore the hairy elephant in the room. I guess he figures a sexless marriage is better than a union with someone who lives in a clueless Blue Island Bubble.

Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You are the Kim Zolciak of The Bachelor. The other girls (save psycho baby-crazy Nikki) wrote funny, light-hearted songs about Jason. Lauren composed a serious tune that she sang in earnest. Problem was, her voice fucking sucked. But girlfriend thinks she's the next Nicole Scherzinger, if her closed-eyed rendition of a song about being famous (I want to have boobies!) at the end of the episode is any indication. Jason's strained face during the performance proves that he's very polite, but unable to conceal sheer horror. So Lauren went home in the end.

So did Shannon. Ok, I take back what I said about Jason liking desperation. She begged and pleaded with him to keep her around, and ended up picking her nose through a napkin in his presence, thinking it'd show him "The Real Shannon." Instead, Jason looked like he wanted to vomit. I think a guy would be willing to kiss a girl covered in snot if he really dug her, but that obviously wasn't happening here. He was grossed out by her and her veneers, and she failed to snag a rose at the ceremony. Back to Missourah.

Megan was the fourth chica to get the boot on this episode. Many of the girls dislike Megan, but I fail to see what the problem is. Maybe I've taken bathroom breaks during all the scenes that show her awfulness. Is it the whole lacrosse-coach thing? I've found the old stereotype to be true about gym teachers (shout out to Ms. Pikar!), but my contact with lacrosse coaches has been limited. She seemed to be genuinely into Jason, and like Stephanie, her kid should serve as proof that she likes her some peen. At least once.

Who's the girl that Jason had sex with this week? Molly or Holly or something? Yeah, they totally did it in the tent. I'm putting my money on her.