Real Housewives of Orange County- the Premiere!

This is why I love the original Real Housewives! Less than ten minutes into the premiere episode, and we already have our first obnoxious "woo hoo!" from Vicki! Ladies, I have missed you.

Vicki seems content to continue building her empire at the cost of her marriage. Sadly, we didn't get to see any Donn Gunvalson this week, but it appears he will be a large part of the story, as he no longer fills Vicki's "love tank". Blech. Her latest pursuit is a "yacht" for lack of a better term. She brings along Michael, who has recently returned from college, to sign off on her purchase. Michael doesn't seem to have a problem with this plan. Admittedly, Newport Beach harbor is about 20 minutes from Coto, versus the 3 or so hours it takes to get to Vicki's house on Lake Havasu. Michael is just doing simply math in his head, realizing that tail will increase exponentially if he has a yacht in Newport. Its really simple math (x + number of miles driven/amount of alcohol beverages served to underage chicks x we own a yacht in Newport=mad amounts of ass).

Breanna doesn't seem to want Vicki to sell the house in Lake Havasu. My best guess is that she was hoping that this gem of a prefab lake house would be bethrothed to her in her marriage to Colby.

Over at the Keough residence, we learned that Jeana is officially separated from Matt. Then we hear Matt screaming in the background to turn off the damn lights. Way to set boundaries, Jeana. We also learn that Shane has moved up from a single A team in Vancouver to the Kane County Cougars in Illinois. I've been to Kane County. Not good. Its like the Chicago version of what we in SoCal snidely refer to as "the 909"- the parts of Riverside and San Bernardino counties that are home to dirty desert rats. Is there some kind of irony in Shane playing for a team called the cougars? Insert completely untrue story about Shane hooking up with Quinn Frye from season 3 here....

We also learn that Kara is a little unhappy attending Berkeley, as would any Republican. According to her, you must either "hug trees, smoke trees, or grass as they call it, or eat of the trash can". Wow. This is why people say that Orange County is a bubble, and everyone outside the bubble, especially people in grass smoking, dumpster eating Northern California hate us.

Self-proclaimed "hottest housewife in the OC" Tamra picks up right where she left off- at her plastic surgeon's office in Newport Beach. This time her young/old mom is there to consider a face lift. Tamra sees this as an opportunity to get lip injections and wax on about aging gracefully. Only in Orange County would aging gracefully mean getting your original fake tits replaced with smaller fake tits. How graceful.

On a brighter note, the relationship between Tamra's husband, Simon, and her son, Ryan, seems to have improved. Simon is even willing to help Ryan move a 56 inch projection TV into his new place, even though he already has a 42 inch tube TV. Seriously? Haven't these people ever heard of flat screens? Tube TVs are killer on the back. Of course, it seems like Tamra and most of her clan do their best work on their back.

When we catch up with Lauri, we realize that her storyline is rather boring now that she is happily married. That doesn't make for good TV. Why do I care where she honeymoons with George. Someone should tell Lauri she is becoming irrelevant due to stated marital bliss. If she wants to stay on this show, we are going to need some real drama. Coming late and leaving early to Jeana's clothes party doesn't count. Its only slighly more exciting than watching any conversation between Sheree and Kim on "Real Housewives of Atlanta".

The most interesting story of the night was from new housewive, Gretchen Rossi. Gretchen is your stereotypical 30 year old blond, with the possible exception of being married to a Kenny Rogers look alike with leukemia who is 23 years her senior. I must admit that her "love" seemed almost genuine. I sense that someone was a former child actress in TV commercials and employs these fake emotions now. Regardless, it should make for a great storyline for the remainder of the season.

I feel sorry for his children, though. For starters, they have Detroit-face, a syndrome best described as evolution passing your city by as factories close and jobs move elsewhere. Detroit is for poor people. Why do they live there while their Dad lives in Newport Coast and Coto de Caza? I would hate my parents if they did that to me. Now they also have to contend with a stepmom who is only slightly older than them. She could like totally buy them beer, though.

Next week, more discussion of Vicki's "love tank", so stay tuned.
-RJ