The Hills - You Did This

Remember My So Called Life, and the elusive Tino that never appeared onscreen? The Hills has its own Tino... named Dino. Dino tells Audrina that LC and Justin-Bobby got nekkid and what not, but we never get to see this character. If a Dino starts a rumor in West Hollywood, but no one but a brunette boob-job recipient with a vacant stare is there to hear it, did rumor and/or Dino really exist? Or did 'Drina subconsciously create both of them, knowing that the story would make for extended screen time and juicy tabloid fodder?

I mean, come the frick on. Lauren hooking up with J-Bobs is as likely as Holly Montag lovingly shaving Spencer's flesh-colored beard... down there. Girls don't typically get down with guys they detest. I know the term "hate f*&k" exists, but isn't that reserved for dudes with some kind of hygiene regimen? I might hate the obese bum that panhandles at the corner of Madison and Wells every afternoon, but until he takes a hot shower, ain't no chance we're going to make angry, passionate love. Such is Justin Bobby. Audrina's the only one with standards low enough to go there.

By now, I'm sure you've all heard that Heidi and Spencer have taken their vows to love, honor, and obey one another until the public stops caring about their relationship, thus forcing them to find new meal tickets. Seriously, I think that was written in their vows.

In other news, gay people still can't get married.

Only in America. Lawdy.
-Liz

Previously on The Hills: The Hills - One Last Chance
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Back to New York
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Heidi Walks Spanish